Surfacing

He didn't love me, it was just an idea of himself he loved and he wanted someone to join him, anyone would do. I didn't matter so I didn't have to care.

I woke up at 8.30 to watch 7th heaven this morning. Did u know what Aaron carter is in it? He's dating Ruthy. Its time I had a doze of that goodness.

Its time I call my best friend. Its time I let her talk me to it. Being good.

If someone stops you in the middle of the tracks while u were running and panting...presumably asking for directions, would you stop? I didn't. I just kept on running. I felt like once I stopped everything'd be ruined.

I watched the Basketball Diaries tdy. For Leo ofcoz. I've been wanting to get my hands on it for a while. And now that I finally did...it din mean that much to me. Jim Carroll's story...I wonder if it was as painful for Leo to act it as it was for me to merely watch it. I din like it. I dun drug. Its too far for me to get it. But I hope his book is better than that. Its your fave right?

I watched Shall we dance on saturday. With Ling, after we went cycling and presented ourselves to the sun. She refused to do frivolous Alfie with me. Despite my slient protests I think I liked the movie. Especially this thing that Susan Sarandon said. The reason why people got married. You get married because you don't want your life to go unnoticed. You want a witness to your life. Share your days..your home...your work...your mornings, days, and nights. You want a witness. I guess after a while it doesnt have to be love....I dunno. Well J Lo's body oh so rocked in the show. I feel like dancing after watching it. We all should learn to dance. Really. You know how guys can be classified into like a boob's-man, or a leg's-man, or maybe a butt's-man...I think I'm a word's-gurl. Just give me the right words and I'll be your witness.

Vinod tells me that if someone your talking to gets to your nerves, all you gotta do is to picture that person naked. N a k e d. I dunno abt that though. I havent tried it. Its difficult, to picture my gurls naked. I mean....it doesnt do it for me. Unless ur J Lo maybe.

The person who can't bloody fix the leaking tap tells me that when I go to work, I need to pay him one third of all the expenses that he has spent for the family. The house, the car, the foodstuff, my study fees...he says its okay for the furniture. I dont have to pay for the furniture. I close my eyes. I close my ears. I picture you being pinned to the wall. I picture you screaming for help.

Its all good now. Its all good. I'm gonna be good now. Thank you very much.