Conjured

May needs to get a job.

Mich needs to reassemble her pieces.

Adel needs to stop losing weight and stay healthy.

Me. I need...

Nothing. It surprises me that I've got all that I need. For now. Ah, wait. I want my nose to clear itself. Yoga sucks when I can't breathe.
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I went for lit class yest morning.

"The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity."

What if I say, the sole purpose of ur living is to ultimately find one thing. One thing that convinces you enough for you to believe in it, wholeheartedly. Yet u might say believing in merely one thing precludes ur mind from so many other possibilties. Am right now, I believe (Hur), somewhat believeless.

Sometimes I love the way he is. Such a cynic. "We've already ordered the two flims for the library so that you would so kindly go watch them. Yea...and they'll probably take around 10 years to arrive, so...." Oh. He's so funny. Sardonically.

Anyhow, Ni, I finally understood the Book of Evidence. I know now his justification for killing simply coz he could.

It boils down to the postmodernism shit. Where life is without meaning. Where believing in anything simply just means ur the stupidest piece of shit. Simple minded, thats what u are. If u believe. Morality is merely a deluded concept we created just like the idea of good and evil. We created regulatory systems; science, reason, psychology, morality, religion and Gods, all these fiction we created so that one is not forced to confront a void of nothingness. And the book! It's based on a true story of this man in Dublin. He has a PHD in probablity theory. Everything was fine and dandy until one day he decided to do sth out of free will for once, to go against all reason - to kill someone without a motive. He killed a nurse walking on the street that day. And when on trial he told the judge he killed coz he could. That landed him in a mental institution in Dublin, where he tutors physics to other inmates and inspires them to get external degrees. Hur. Since he doesnt believe in morality then its neither good or bad to kill somebody. "To do the worst thing, the very worst thing, thats the way to be free. I would never again need to pretend to myself to be what I was not."

".....that I never imagined her vividly enough, that I did not make her live. Yes, that failure of imagination is my real crime, the one that made the killing possible..I killed her because I could kill her, and I could kill her because for me she was not alive."

O...this so reminds me of collateral. I need to go talk to Leenu abt this and ask whether she thinks the man ought to be released. Do you think him mad? Do u now think it justified somewhat for his killing?

While I was listening to my tutor speak I was relating it to one of ur entries. If we could do anything we felt, without being tied down by logic. What if free will was not a sham. What if we werent constantly bounded by other conditions that dominates our choice? He asks the class if there was any time in our lives where a major decision was made out of free will, unaffected by what others think or say, or the place ur in....or the logic that u so had to put in. And I was thinking.. that even the biggest choice that one possibly has - to love somebody, isn't free will. At least not for me. Its tied to so many things. I wanna love Brad Pitt, but he's out of my reach. I wanna love you, but u don't really care a hoot about me. So I choose not to love u anymore. And I know u so love me, but I don't care a shit about you. So u'd just have to go deal with it urself. I dunno man. I am digressing arent I? Is your love free will? Or not? Or not? Okie. Enuff. If love is a decision and not a feeling....then its not free will is it?

The bottomline is.... free will is a sham... And ultimately you become what you are without ever really fully understanding how you came to it. So do not, DO NOT blame me for being me.
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I missed my stop on the train today
I was preoccupied with an ACS school prefect. No, not handsome, not even remotely cute. Just... I was looking at his badge, wondering what he gave up to become what he was appointed to be. This kid with some little responsibilties, some authority. Why he looks so uptight.

My two best friends were councillors. They took turns to book me for long nails and having too many ear holes. Write my pretty name in that tiny little handbook..How come they din cut me some slack? They knew I was no bad gurl....

" All ordered society makes passion drowy." Friedrich Nietzsche

Once people become intellects and get accustomed to any kind of system, they become diminished human beings. Please don't be.