where is zann!?!?!?!?!?

heh heh

not tryin to be funny here... but the point is i think i am losing it. I knew i had it but now i have lost it/am on way of losing it. whatever. I dunno if its attributed to the stupid travis and coldplay songs i've been listening to? i mean they are kinda mellow and stuff... and i have become sleepy head since i came home from hall.... like seriously!!!! i have done nothing but sleep. I'm sure my actions will reap its repercussions and then i will so not do well for quizes next week....

So i wrote this on a piece of paper and stuck it to my board:

Lessons to learn for life

1. Self discipline
2. Self gratitude
3. Self motivation
4. Self loving

seriously i dun think i love myself enough. If i do i will be doing myself justice by performing my best in life. I dun seem to have that desire now!!!! Like please let me be motivated or i'd just lose being me.......

My cousin who is like 13 this yr tells me she laughed non-stop that one day...and she asked me if i ever had a day of laughter... like seriously the older i become the more difficult it is to make me laugh? i am skeptical over everything. Like even lame jokes...dun laugh at them!!!! Just can't! and while everyone's giggly and stuff i am just just not amused.... whats my problem??!?~

Aye ofcoz she tells me she laughs but then she is still not very happy... apparently her fave book is andrew matthews Being Happy......i read that book like multiple times but then i still dun get that life long lesson he is trying to teach.... just makes me think how i've failed as an adult to work hard at being happy whereas my little cousin tries so. Like i think she can probably handle more stuff then me...depressing stuff i mean...

Alrites now... i must keep thinking positive stuff to stuff my mind and let it forget abt sorrows.... and worries..... Okie for starters pissing brother apparently got like gold in his 1x200m race... and then he was disqualified for another race...which he says is his fren's fault, for cutting whatever lane at the wrong time. yeah man...like listening to him tellin me stuff thats happening in sch.... the truth is i never tell him what happens in mine.....like what can i say!?!??!!!! I went for lecture and then tutorial and then seminars...din do the questions couldnt get what the hell tutor was saying and then presented some shit which turns out to be wrong...and then gotta study for quiz.... arghhhh whoops supposed to be positive stuff eh
so was sayin i love hearing abt his sch life... =) school's the best then

Okie i havent written in my diary for a long time? aM neglecting that beautiful book...=(

aND the story book i was reading has come to an end? with it i feel my life has also come to an end, albeit abrupt. It gets pissing sometimes when stories end!!! I am so attached to it i wanna be part of it even after ur happy ending for christ sake! okie....whoops guess i'd just haveta grab another book to immerse in.....

Lack of positive stuff to say!!!?!?!!??!?!!!! gonna watch passion for christ for free next week hopefully i'd have loads of views to say. And yeah i guess thats it..... will tell u when the hardworking-filled with zest zann returns

Got a feeling shes not gonna return now.....scary

wEi

Wrote u a letter and i dun think i'm gonna send it!!!~ha

----------------------------------------------------------
Its useless now. The way I'm trying to reason.
All the whys I ask getting redundant.
And in the mist of question I waste time and i go lack of influence
I'm not making a difference
I want more than just a presence
----------------------------------------------------------

Got back stupid tax quiz tdy and i am pissed with the stupid tutors that are runned by the system.
Tutors suck... most do. System sucks too. Everything does sometimes.

So the way to go ard it is to find sth that doesnt suck. And focus on it. Like the sun. It never sucks. OKie sometimes it just doesnt come enough but well...am crapping

Did alot of work this week...more to come next week and i am so prepared! Bring it on.

Din watch any movies though...after butterfly effect.

Weather is darn hot and I wish i can sleep naked or sth....

Overheard this conversation Norway gal was having with hong kong guy.....HK guy claimed singapore was boring..... bleah.... as if. Norway gal stays in hall 10 too!!! But bet no one ever talks to her....realised i havent tok to ang mors b4 like in my life.... gosh disgusting...

Did i tell u i love watching paradise hotel? It's awesome the way pple are scandalous.... i wonder if it has its consequences.... of coz it does but well....do u embrace that moment of passion or refrain and seek for forever? I guess most pple choose the former.

I am reading the ending of this book......Obesession by Susan Lewis. And the major twist in the end is that this Gurl has been in love and fucking with her father all this while... as perverted as the story might sound.....i believe she did base it on reality.... love the drama in her story...

Had this thought that humans are shaped by the different pple they interact with in life. Like if i didnt know u, i wouldnt be who i am. And one thing leads to another.... so things must happen for a reason. just that sometimes its difficult to c the end. But its suffice to know that in the end everyone dies. So things are still gonna be fair. Am just glad to have met the pple i've met. And thanks for making me the way i am... Yes including sucky tutors....

fOR

DON'T U SOMETIMES WONDER what U are LIVING FOR

why u do the things u do
why u say the things u say
why u feel the way u feel
what ur existence means to u

what does it mean to u

does it even mean sth to u

Am grateful for this life.
Am grateful for this life.
Am so so so grateful. to. have. u. read. this.

So NoT woRtH iT

I guEss I've Learnt My LesSon
I've arrived at this painful conclusion
you're just an artifical notion
created to justify our ultimate existence

ANd believing in u jUst distorts My senses
all the things we said - nonsensical

Don't dare sAy i want you
fear one day i won't need you

I won't eVen miSs yOu

I WanNa say yes only to foRever
otherwise i choose never

Maybe the problem with u, is u don't love urself.
And the problem with me, is that i love myself too darn much.

MiDdLe oF noWherE

----------------------------------------------------------------------
My apple is half eaten, left it in the fridge

My mind's half blown open, left it roaming in the middle of the streets
----------------------------------------------------------------------

hey guys ... =)

would have wriiten long ago if not for the pissing fact that

1. my house comp is screwed (together with my borther) and hall comp is semi-screwed. =)

2. projects =) need i say more

Guess everyone feels damn fucked up now coz of the assignments and stuff......hardly time to breathe won't u say.

Had some amazing thoughts lately but i kinda forgot abt them coz i din haf the chance to jolt them down...

Thoughts are amazing by the way......what am i saying

Met up with pals this weekend. Like two of them... had a great time....=) love my gurl friends. U guys rock and i love u !!!!! yeah...even when u smoke.

So, this's for u taB,


---- WeiRd------- --------


Isn't it weird. Isn't it strange.
Even though we're just two strangers on this runaway train
We're both trying to find a place in the sun
We've lived in the shadows, but doesn't everyone
Isn't it strange how we all feel a little bit weird sometimes

Isn't it hard. Standing in the rain.
You're on the verge of going crazy and your heart's in pain
No one can hear though you're screaming so loud
You feel all alone in a faceless crowd
Isn't it strange how we all get a little bit weird sometimes.

Sitting on the side. Waiting for a sign. Hoping that my luck will change.
Reaching for a hand that can understand, someone who feels the same.
When you live in a cookie cutter world being different is a sin.
So you don't stand out. And you don't fit in. Weird.

Isn't it strange how we all feel a little bit weird
Strange, how we all get a little bit.
Strange, 'cause we're all just a little bit weird sometimes.

-------- -------- -------- ------ -------------- -----------

Love it weird.

uR reAdinG abT a WomAn wHo's In cOntRoL

Writing to reach you

Everyday i wake up and its sunday
Whatever's in my eye wont go away
The radio's playing the usual
And whats a wonderwall anyway
Because my inside is outside
My right side's on the left side
Cause I'm writing to reach u now but
I might never reach you
Only want to teach you
About you
But thats not you ......

Travis - the man who

=) Got the cd from a fren. Don't u like it. I think i'm gonna sleep well tonight. Been disciplined thus far this week. Went to jog alone yesterday for the first time. Still cant believe i completed what seemed like amazing feat. And i did my work for all the lessons this week. Gotta push my gear even higher now. Please dun let me slack coz once i do its hard to get back......

Our neighbour (nearest neighbour is in fact TWO doors away from us) autually begun to plant some plants outside the corridor. Would have thought it was lame but I'm surprised i didn't. Sometimes its the simple things that makes everything so small relatively. Like how i had a long day from 830 till 930 doing projects and attending lessons... but it was cool coz my friends made me laugh... and i got this msg from my fren who actually initates a hanging out session with me (she never does)...and i got a breakfast bar from a fren who knows i had a long day...... aint that great. What else can i ask for?

And i got to discover an amazing band ..=) If i ever have a kid might call him Travis.

Jo's Poem

Hey so...guys....to celebrate our love for poetry, and the desire to appreaciate all of them, =) I decided to put my gurlfren's comments as an entry. heh heh

i could still smell the faint cologne you used to use,
there on my pillow,
the scent i once thought so comforting,
now a sick choking familiarity i want to get rid of,
the memories filled my lungs like a breathe of air that refused to be exhaled,
like a cloud of smoke that just remained intact,
i struggled to breathe,
to let go of the past

and there it was,
a fresh breath of air.

I'M oNLy HaPPy WheN iT RaInS

i wonder if anyone was waiting for me to update my blog... its become like somwhat of an obligation. I mean i wanna write, but i also wanna make a difference to any one who reads it, wanna make sure it was worth their time...

But well, thats not good writing i guess. One writes best when is not worried about who will read it or what they will think about it. i guess its the difference with having a diary. I mean the rational is so much simplier. You write it to release urself..at least i do, but when i blog i guess its different. But this shall be the last time i'm saying this.

But lest some people declares this site dormant i reckon i should update a little, u know... be involved....be here.

Its been raining non-stop here today. I wonder if it is so at ur side. What do u feel when it rains? At first it felt fine. Like at least it wasnt hot or humid... and then it was damp.... it soaked my shoes and socks. And then the raindrops were like lullaby, they put me in a trance while in class.

Things have been more than crazy. Despite being estatic abt the holiday break, i ended up not doing anything i wanted to. Din catch up with anyone. Din catch up with work. Din watch any movies. Did come to school alot though. Did try to discuss projects. Did went to swim. Did read half of a book.

Now that paragraph is boring. You c what i mean, i'm just regurgitating events. Aye... but can u even blame me! I guess i have so much work to be done it impedes my thinking. Am not even thinking.

OOoooooo we did a little garang guni shit for LOVEBITES last sunday. =) roomie did it for like 8 hours or so and her knuckles hurt. AND AND AND. She started a blog. HA who would haf thought. Demure-cool-writing-is-a-waste-of-my-time roomie has started a blog. =) haha we'll do some publicity when its cool....

So this blog thing, i guess its in somehow, maybe a way to keep in touch eh? To be a part of ur fren's lives even when u r not so part of it... i dunno. But my frens NEVER visit my blog. I reckon they think its a lame thing and that i'd get over this soon enough. Alrite i will... But not yet.

OOOoooooo and so i din get shortlisted for the two interviews i went for. So now u c that honestly only brings u no where and the secret is to boot lick and say what pple wanna hear. At least u gain credit by trying. So dun say i din tell u that. Am not upset abt it though. It was their lost.

OK thats all folks... c how commercialized this is.

I'M onLY happy when it rains, I'm only happy when its complicated.

p/s there r fucking alot of mosquitoes now that its raining. Damn the lizards who r supposed to prey!!!!!!

----- sCoRpIo ------

Had one of those love-my-life-everything's-fine jogs. =)

Not that this feeling will last but better den nothing.

Check this out...

" I read and walked for miles at night along the beach, writing bad blank verse and searching endlessly for someone wondeful who would step out of the darkness and change my life. It never crossed my mind that that person could be me." ----- Anna Quindlen

Amazing isnt it... never fail to amuse myself. Wrote that in 2002 11th June. Dont remember where i got that from but it seems to apply now even more. Not to me, coz I never believed that someone would come around and make things right. Not yet i suppose. Not doubting that possibility. But i know alot of pple do... pple need partners for all the wrong reasons... to not be lonely, to do stuff with blah blah blah... Hope i never meet pple like that.

I wrote this after that verse.

" We must be our own before we can be another's"

Wished i had written more thougths so i'd know what i was thinking at that point in time... but glad i wrote it anyhow.

Guess what!? My horoscope in tdy's lifestyle says this :
Don't close your mind off to meeting new people simply becoz they may not appear to be ur type. If you're gonna judge a book by its cover, you'll miss out on life.

Rite.

I'm gonna haf an interview tmr. Am too sick of these shit to prepare so i'm just gonna give them what i've got. Which is pretty much what every other contender has =) Wish me luck yeah