9 - Watch

Bubbles surfacing from my breathe in the pool
Formation of white birds flying across the sky
The division of dark grey and clear blue sky before the rain
I pray for time to pass like flash

Literature Experts Needed !~

Snow - Louis McNiece

The room was suddenly rich and the great bay-window was
Spawning snow and pink roses against it
Soundlessly collateral and incompatible:
World is suddener then we fancy it.

World is crazier and more of it than we think,
Incorrigibly plural. I peel and portion
A tangerine and spit the pips and feel
The drunkenness of things being various.

And the fire flames with a bubbling sound for world
Is more spiteful and gay than one supposes -
On the tougue on the eyes on the ears in the palms of one's hands -
There is more than glass between the snow and the huge roses.

=( Jo! Ying! I know the symbol of Snow should have multiple meanings in this one. But what do u guys think the symbol represents? Tell me what u think yea. I so need it.

105

Suicide

I sit here on the beach,
I think of your smile,
your face.
The way you laugh.

I stare up at the skies,
you would have loved this,
I wish that you were here with me.

Away before me in the sea,
the crashing of the waves calls out to me,
they tell me to die.
it sounds comforting.
it sounds nice and warm.

As I walk towards the shore,
I think of you again,
cold,
dead,
in that polished wood case.
A coffin.

I miss you so much.
I look on the shoreline,
I see many big and pretty shells.
corals in abundance lie next to them.

I wanted to bring them to you
but you couldn't take it.
you couldn't look at me and smile.
you couldn't love me anymore now.

I walk on,
i wanted so much to bring them to you,
yet.
i realize the truth.
the truth that you are gone, and gone forever.

I too, will be gone.
i have no one,
not even you.

I didn't even say goodbye...

Man. This is my 105 entry. Stupid blogger. I wanted my 100th entry to be special. Guess I'd have to wait for the 500th. Which is crap!!! Its gonna take me years. Bleah! Anyhow. This poem. What do u think? Adel's cousin Sean wrote it. Man I like him. He's sad. Adel says that his entries are RA. But I havent read anything that sounded RA. Adel - U have low threshold for RA. Period. As I was saying, he's sec 3 la. This is good enuff. For I din know anything in sec 3. Ok I knew, but I cannot touch anyone with my words....when u read this poem the second time...it loses its ability to captivate. ha anyway
___________________________________________________
I've been lucky lately. You see I havent jogged for 2 weeks. Decided to go for it yest, so that i can sleep better at night. At the 9th round, with me battling my inability to breathe from my flu infested nose, bird shit fell on me. =) Awesome world! And. I din sleep last night. My speech rehearsed itself over and over in my mind. I swear my heads were all words. At some point I got sick of me. The kind of things I put myself through. Why do I have to be made dumb?

But aye... the presentation wasnt that bad. Tutor found it in his heart to be kind. The best thing was starting with a qoute from a poet. Eliot. =) I wish I was the one who said it. SG didnt sound like he had much conviction. Ofcoz he din. I wrote his speech. ha.

I'm asking people to buy me CDs. But u know what? My CD player is spolit. =) Am darn upset yes, but aye, I still want my CDs. =) Yay. Chew is getting me OC soundtrack. Hopefully.

I dunno if Serene will ever read this entry till the end but. Buy me Travis!=P

DAMN

I'll start being grateful when everythings lost
I'll start saying sorry when you're already gone
If u cant even stay why dont u leave right away

Bright star, would I were stedfast as thou art...

Bright star, would I were stedfast as thou art---
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task
Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors---
No---yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,
Pillowed upon my fair love's ripening breast,
To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,
And so live ever---or else swoon in death. John Keats

There. The first ever poem I had to analyse. Did it with some help from Jo. Ok. Alot of help. Was desperate. Even considered asking Can's gurl Ying. But its amazing. That one poem can say so much. Yet it only speaks to people who really listen to it. I hope one day I become the best listener a poem can have. =) Thanks Jo!~ You rock!

Love the sinner. Hate the sin

My projects are all coming to an end soon. 206 has. And I realise how much I love my group mates. MAybe its the fact that I think we did well for our presentation. But arent all things slightly more rosy when it comes to the end? When there's more certainty and less skepticism. U need to constantly remind urself of that end when u begin.

Am fueling myself up with positivity now. =) I've been taking myself too seriously for my own good. Obviously. Wish somebody told me that str8 in my face. And poor grp mates. Having to be shut down bluntly by me whenever they come up with new ideas. My inability to laugh away our differences. My reluctance to believe in ur capabilities. More importantly, the lack of faith on my part that I do, in all actuality, rock the entire world.

Happy people choose to avoid waiting too long to see the funny side of their misfortunes.

So I saw

...fellow students being grilled at presentation today. Some of them were pathetic. Shivering under the perceived greater authority figure. Tutors. Ruthless they can be. Can't wait to see how I react next week. Maybe I shall cry. Muah haha

...the doctor. And failed to manipulate him to give me an mc. I'm not good at the art of manipulation I guess. I'm just the take it or leave it person. Well. But he sucked la okie. He just gave me some medicine to block my nose instead of let it run. Damn my nose! Take away thy nose!

I saw Get ReaL! And they were talking about blogging. =) I guess it was insightful. This 17 yr old guy stopped after a few months coz he reckoned tt u cant make yourself heard in here. And that he felt the whole world wasnt listening. And that he was deserted. Coz u write sth and expect comments. But u dun get them. And it hurts ur self esteem. Poor kid la. Only 17. And ofcoz there was another 20 yr old gurl who was interviewed. I think she comes from a totally different point of view. I think she blogs to showcase herself to the world. And another gurl who blogged to save her life.But aye. I guess whats true is.. if u use ur blog as a ranting outlet, to just trash out little things u went thru in your day, at the end of it...ur not gonna reach out to anyone or anybody. And the purpose of u blogging would just be as deep as the water in the baby pool. Anyhow. I think i'm guilty of that. RAntings.

Bearing that in mind....I'm gonna care more abt u now. Yes you. And what u're gonna read from here the next time. =)For a start I'll make sure its positive eh?

WISH LIST

OKie. Here it is. I dun usually do this. Coz i think wishing 4 things I hafn't got just adds up to pple's already over indulged discontentment. But my fren thinks it'd help act as a GUIDE to buy me sth. =) But then again its sth to ask... and then another thing to not be granted of it. Sheesh. Watever.

Lets see. I always loved the idea of having....
1. A precious moments snowglobe
2. A collection of Malcolm in the Middle/Ally Mcbeal vcd.
3. A quiksliver/stussy t shirt in man's size small
4. A cool collection of cds of soul music
5. I'm an insomniac...so Relaxing cds. I need them. Piano. Nature sounds...
6. A sophisticated ladies handbag for work. I need one of those. Sadly.
7. A nice jacket. Can never run out of those....
8. A big look-at-me sling bag? Yeah.
9. Story books. =) Those were the protagonist faces alot of shit from life.
10.JOurnals. =) Those that looks so ancient I'd feel like my life is incorporated in the book of history when I pen my thoughts.

Ok I am stuck. Like this is not gonna work out. Ha. Buy me ear rings. =) dangling ones. I love them. Those look-at-my-ears kind. And I dun mind a perlini's necklace!~No no one from Assessories will be better! Dun wear bracelets though.... fat wrist. okie this it it la Bi. I cant do it. Will like whatever u buy. Buy me socks! I am constantly running out of them. ha. I need a diary planner!! 2005! okie will stop.

T a u t

Its saturday morning and I woke up feelin quite fine. I know the past efforts of people trying to put me in the right track, to make me feel better again. But I think sometimes you reach some place where no one can reach you. And you don't want them to. Until you finally decide to do yourself a favor and realize how its not worth your time. Being angry with the world. The world is what it is.

Anyhow. Chew called me the other day for a pep talk. I thought she was in some kinda trouble and offered my service. Instead...she offered hers. And I think it worked to a certain extent. Did me good. She was hilarious. Its a disgusting trait of mine,but I seek comfort in people's sorrow. Her week was quite horrible. Compared to mine. I dunno why it's even this way, but see. She has about 9 subjects I think and she has school from 8.30 to 5.30 almost all days. And here I am. Pretty Petty Zann. 3 days of school. 3 subjects to screw.

So, first up, her lab report readings which were accumulated painfully for 3 weeks were screwed up by some moron and she couldnt undo the damage. Ofcoz she cried. That was shit. And her tutor wasnt sympathetic. And oooo u know her new stylish house? Ha. Her entire book shelf collasped. She thought her brother was trying to trick her home when he made that emergency call. And her candle jelly thingie from her bf fell down with the shelf and was all over her $160 bean bag. Which incidentally, is her 21st b-day present from her bf and friends. Yoo Hoo. Jelly over bean bag. JELLY BEAN!~! Lol. Aint it frustrating. How life treats you. How you can't possibly do anything within ur power to prevent it. You lose your wallet while shopping. You trip on a banana skin while sashaying. Your computer's attacked by some stupid worm and crashes. It gets alot worse I guess. But I guess its up to u to see the funny side of it. And then along those lines I started thinking abt the worst things that could possibly happen to a person... And then I stop. You dont think that. SHouldn't. =)

It feels like everyone and everything hints happiness when you put your mind to it. Mich said she woke up one morning and told herself its time to be happy. And it worked. Ha. I know. I'm not sure how long I will last this time but for your benefit I'm trying to prolong this.

I'd see the world from a tainted glass
I'd build things and see them last

the balloon's gonna BURST

Like who the hell is gonna read this anyway
Exams. Slides. Effects. Assignment. Essay. Words. Numbers. Charts.

Yesterday was BIG FOUR networking night. So I get it WORLD! I GET IT. Suits. Black. Suits. Money. Money. Money. Suits. Zhexuan said it's money over passion now. But what if I die half way. Breast cancer, high blood pressure, accident, suicide. Whatever. And I spent 5 years for 5k for a good life in the next 5? Who's gonna guarantee I'll live the next 5!?!~? ARGHHHH FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Btw. Did u know that Tokyo has the highest suicide rates? Ha. Poor thing you. Born in this urban place. Where being alive just makes u want to die.

Refocus. Africa. Poor kids. No home. No money. No food. No love. No life.
Sea. Dolphin. Whale. Dogs. Stars. Sun. Flowers. Music. Movie.
I'm sorry if I made u in a worse state than u were b4 readin this.
SNAP OUT OF IT.

myopia

A few hours after that entry of hope.
I've been stuck all day with the project deadlines impending.
I'm stressed. I can't do it. Won't.
Humans...vulnerable...small...disposable...weak.
Thats me right now.

Think escape, think swimming in ocean filled with fishes, think holidaying at sydney, think leaves falling off one by one from the trees in autumn, think snow melting at your finger tips. THINK!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i'm going joggin

Hope

So occasionally u stumble upon people who bring that much needed revelation in your life. People with same screwed up situations you think u're in. Only difference being - they don't allow the situation to screw them up. You feel almost ashamed with your silly thoughts and procrastinated mind thats stoppin u from becoming that person u should be. The person u can be. Its time u do urself some justice.

I don't believe in alot of things. But in you I do

Shut up already

" There are two sliences. One when no word is spoken. The other when perhaps a torrent of language is employed. This speech is speaking of a language locked beneath it. That is its continual reference. The speech we hear is an indication of that we don't hear. It is a necessary avoidance, a violent, sly, anguished or mocking smokescreen which keeps the other in its place. When true slience falls we are still left with echo but are nearer nakedness. One way of looking at speech is to say it is a constant stratagem to cover nakedness."

- Harold Pinter

You're empty

Doesnt it impress you sometimes. The way some people can put into words what their complicated mind thinks? I thought this. But I wasnt capable of writing it. He did. And although he overdid it a little...I think he made the point. http://introspectif.blogspot.com/2004/09/if-youre-going-to-read-this.html

D R E A M

Be not afraid; the isle is full of noises,
Sounds and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not
Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
Will hum about mine ears, and sometime voices
That, if I then had waked after long sleep,
Will make me sleep again: and then, in dreaming,
The clouds me thought would open and show riches
Ready to drop upon me that, when I waked,
I cried to dream again.

William Shakespeare, The Tempest

Net-----------work

It was networking night. So I tried, as I know how, to network. Basically that meant shaking hands, flashin smiles, taking name cards with two hands, asking questions that I dont need to know. Yet. And that was how it worked. Insightful nonetheless. Not motivating anyhow. I'm Even more certain now then ever that when I leave the compounds of school its all going to be about the money. It'll drive your actions, wherever you go, whatever you do, whatever you say.

You ask me how great it feels to be graduating next year. And this is how great its gonna be. I'm gonna cook up the books, succumb to please my clients so that I get my higher pay. I'm gonna have a greater elastic ethical band so that I stretch my way up to the top. Because the very first question you ask me will be how much my pay is. Because the way you're gonna judge me is by the type of car I drive. Because. Because thats the way its gonna be.

But because I also know how in the end I'm just gonna be left with me. I shall make Mr M come secondary. So please. Ask me sth else. Ask me if I love what I do. Ask me that. Bring me back.

Tense

I am waiting for the comp to attach the BAC model to my email.
I was about to go to sleep when I received your msg.
I was smiling to myself when I read your postcard.
I was looking at you to see if you were looking at me.
I did it to you so that you won't be the one doing it to me first.
I am waiting fot the comp to attach the model to the mail.

P-L-E-H

You sit there
Act like you don't care
Pretend like you're deaf

Only the noises complete their tracks
Only it doesn't matter where you're at
It takes over again and again

You'll run
only to get slower
You'll hide
only to get weaker

Listen
I need to tell you something
Please
Just pretend your listening

shhh...
It gets so empty
Its going mad
So mad I'm afraid it's going to burst
Burst.
For you to see it's worth