Its you

Chance spoke to me
Asking me to take it and let it be
Love lured me in
Set me free and gave me wings
Loss fell on me
I din even catch it
Buried me deep underneath
It felt like eternity
Till Faith found me
It held my hand
Said I'll be here as long
as you want me to be

It was you in my dreams

**

Love's Philosophy

The fountains mingle with the river
And the rivers with the ocean,
The winds of heaven mix for ever
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single,
All things by a law divine
In one another's being mingle -
Why not I with thine?

See the mountains kiss high heaven,
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister-flower would be forgiven
If it distain'd its brother;
And the sunlight clasp the earth,
And the moonbeams kiss the sea -
What are all these kissings worth,
If thou kiss not me?

Percy Bysshe Shelly

What I give to you

Is just what I'm going through

You know, I was reading my journal last night. Brought me back to 1998. It's like listening to the new backstreet boys song. Its embarasssing. I dunno. Somehow you can never re associate yourself with who you used to be. Just like how it's embarassing to admit now that I once loved the backstreet boys. Yet I'm still me. The me at 22, refusing to believe I was me at 15. Hoo.. Maybe there is no need to write down things at all. They don't matter. Just leave it to the wind and the ashes.

There's nothing much that distinguishes my days from the others now. Except for the type of food I eat, the number of rounds I did, the name of the song that touched me, maybe the amount of work I did. Man its sad man! When ur existence is reduced to that. Minimal human contact. Yet yeah...I'm not a big fan of that.

I don't intend to tip toe through life and arrive safety at death

----

I've engaged in a whole lot of piracy, indulged in a whole lot of self-pity, most of all I've displayed a whole lot of hypocrisy.

Havent u already noticed?

Deja vu

You came
You went
There's nothing left

So I'll write you in a book
It'd be in some section u'd never look

I'll sing you in a song
A classic
That's where you should belong

I'll seal you in my kiss
Then give it to someone else
Make you regret all that you've missed

You're still in my thoughts
Tell me you haven't already forgot

I want you

9.18 am

*msg beeps*
+6594379735 --- " Hey Zann! You're still alive?"

me --- " Eh who's dis? Duh. Am alive."

----------------------------------------------------
And that was it.

I know. Who could it be? Which evil person wants the sweetest thing alive, dead?

Beats me.

-----------------------------------------------------

My day was swell. Seriously. Nothing can go wrong when the blue is just so blue and the sun so... Glad I made the decision to head down to da beaccch. Even though I think we lingered alil longer than I would have liked!~ I am burnt la. Mich obviously don't care a shit abt my skin condition at all!~ =(

Mich wants to be a bird la. Reasons for being a bird rather than a fish.
1. They don't say the sea's the limit.
2. Humans really consume more fish than birds that fly. Hence fishes die a more unnatural death.
3. There are stuff hidden under the sea that u really dun wanna see. Rather be with the clouds and the stars than what lies beneath.
4. Birds are nicer to touch than fishes.

Yea. Which do u wanna be? A fish or a bird? Tell me tell me.
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I dunno man. Is my blog environment like not condusive for comments? I would reckon so...considering the frequency of me telling u to piss off.

He says I've gotta learn to control my temper. Otherwise I'd have problems at work. But see...thats what u told me way way back la. Since I was young. And u're wondering why I still have friends....Its simple really...It's coz....well they dun scream obscenities at me. So I dun do it to them. And if u would do a reality check....u're the one having problems. How do u live your life without understanding that? Damn. I wish I made u understand.
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So so so!~ I had a fab time tdy la. As I was saying. One of those days when I've got no regrets. Not the chao ta face, not the sore limbs, not the heavy basket on the squeeky bike, definitely not the half priced Gelare, not the half priced sushi, not the yada abt ex-school crushes.

How many crushes have u had in ur lifetime? How many? I've had....alot la actually if u wanna count. Happens all the damn time. Mich says as long as I think u're someone I can never be....I'd like u. Hmm...true true!~

Why don't you do something!~?

Coz ee cummings said : 'Be of love (a little) more careful than everything else.'
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Song song. Recommend --- This new one called Collide. By Howie Day. Swell. Not the name of the band though.

I suddenly remembered how all the songs we used to like go straight to #1 on the music charts. Aint it Jo? =) Have decided to name u my song bud. Ho. Song Bud. Ha. Sounds lame la huh? Do u like it not?

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" Let life be filled with sensation and free of thoughts. "

I read this from a collection of poems by John Keats which I found in the lib. But damn my card reached the quota and couldnt borrow it. Did u know he died at 25 Jo?!~ How sad lar!~ Damn.

So...have u made a list of the things u're gonna do after the exams? I made one personal one la...I had this Ma'am in sec school that was like a role model to me. I adored her la... in the non crush sense. For once a senior didn't judge me based on my performance as a cadet but as a human being. We corresponded for a while but she left me somewhere along the way. But she still rocks in my memory...her spirit for living spurred me on then...and I wish I can meet her up again. So I'm gonna like hunt her down this holiday la. That'll be cool. =) Her name is Peggy Ng. heh. What a name!!~ ha. She liked this song: I'll never find someone like you. And I once dedicated it on 98.7 when I was in sec school. Chris Ho read it la. He was kind. I shall do it again!!!!!!

=)

Man I so sound 16.

Am too old for crushes.

I'll tell you what it's like to be me

It's when the sun rises right in front of you
But you can't see
It's like being on top of the mountain with an oxygen tank
But can't breathe
Like the curtains come down and the audiences leave
But there's no clap

**

WET WET WET

I FEEL IT IN MY FINGERS...I FEEL IT IN MY TOES....LOVE IS ALL AROUND ME.. AND SO THE FEELING GROWS..IT'S WRITTEN ON THE WIND, ITS EVERYWHERE I GO...OH YES IT IS!!!!! sO IF U REALLY LOVE ME, LOVE ME LOVE ME.. COME ON AND LET IT SHOW....OOOOOOOO BABY...

OKIE. If u dunno the song u must be bored with this. Think love actually!~ Think the funny skinny singer!~ Heh heh I heard it on radio lar. And I am in a good condition now. So I was thinkin of creating some comic relief with that. Thats presumptuous. How do I know u need relief? Do you? Aye...if u're studying and abt to die then yes right? Gee. U've come to the right place!~ okok...lest I lose that joy, I'll get on with it..otherwise a sucky entry will ensue.

I just jogged 15 rounds!~ Yes yes yes. I managed to overtake that stupid uncle thrice!~ Eh...yea that means he was fervently trying to out-run me. And he did la. Twice. Then he forgot that I'm young and albeit chubby, am blessed with a stronger heart and a smarter mind to try to pace myself. Hur. Anyhowz I hate it when men like him hear me coming from behind and then try to increase their pace so that I dun take over them. Usually I don't la. But tdy I had to!~ He was shitty.

THERE'S A DANGER in LOVIN' SOMEBODY TOO MUCH...AND ITS sad when u know ITS UR HEART U CANT TRUST...THERE'S A REASON WHY PPLE DUN STAY WHO THEY ARE..BABY SOMETIMES LOVE JUST AINT ENUFF....

U know how exams make tHe world stop turning...U have to kinda put everything on hold and concentrate on this one thing... Although it really doesnt have to be the case. Like who the hell can study the entire day!~ Ok...I think I did that for the As. But hell. We still put other things on hold so that we dun feel guilty.

If u look back and wonder how the hell u got thru all the 15 or so years of exams and stress from school....how did u? How did u? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I didnt get thru it I guess...I kinda crawled. Sprawl on the floor on all fours and crawled thru each day.......I dunno. Maybe it was a breeze for u...why do we have to go thru that man...thats like precious time wasted.

-----------------

EXAMS DRIVE PPLE NUTS. SURVIVAL KIT FOR BATTLING THE EXAMS ::::

1. STUDY BUDDIES (IT HELPS IF THEY ARE MORE HARDWORKING)
2. MUSIC
3. SHORT BREAKS
4. POSITIVE FORWARD THINKING (LIKE WHATCHA GONNA DO AFTER ITS ALL OVA)
5. TV (THE OC, TEMPTATION ISLAND, AMERICAN IDOL)
6. NICE ENGAGING BOOK
7. JOGGING JOGGING JOGGING!~

OKIE. Guess the most impt is positive forward thinking. Just keeps u going, helps u overcome that inertia to start a new chapter everytime u finished one.

Did u know that when u're stressed, ur body tends to store more food as fat!~? My goodness. And did u know that stress makes u yearn for fatty sweet food?!~ Yea man. How sucky. U know I just might have to sit for the exams naked. Like I have out grown all my going-out clothes. Jeans are too tight to breathe in. But yea...if I do go in naked...before I can even freeze to death I'd be chased out. If only I was ...

OHMYGOD THEY ARE PLAYING STAGNANT BY DON RICHMOND ON 95!!!!!!!

And did u know that biologically speaking, ur heart doesnt feel at all. All it does is merely pump blood to different parts of the body. Ur BRAIN feels. It does. So all that head over heart shit? Doesnt make technical sense at all. Since the feeling and the logical thinking is both done by the brain. =) I read that in a sec 3 english textbook. Man textbooks are interesting. Did we learn that last time? Maybe I wasnt ready to learn it when they placed it at me. Damn. I am slow.

POSITIVELY LOOKING FORWARD TO ::::
1. COACH CARTER IN CINEMAS--28TH aPRIL (MUST WATCH MUST WATCH!~!~)
2. BRITNEY SPEARS GETTING FAT (SHE IS PREEEEEGGGGNANT!~)
3. I DUNNO...LIKE THATS IT FOR NOW. aNYTHING TO ADD.....
4. TALKING TO CHAT BUDDY AGAIN....GUILTLESS. THOUGH I BET CHAT BUD MUST HAVE FOUND SOME OTHER CHATTER TO REPLACE ME.

NIGHT U!~ hANG IN THERE!~ I HOPE THIS ENTRY DID IT FOR U MAN. ITS AS POSITIVE AS CAN GET!~ SEE U SEE U SEE U REAL REAL REAL REAL SOON.

EARTH!~WIND!~SUN!~ WATER!~FIRE!~
LET THEIR POWERS COMBINE
LET ZANN AND HER FRIENDS CELEBRATE THESE DAYS
LIKE SPARKLING WINE.

Oo o o o o o o o

I dun wanna be anything other than what I've been tryin to be lately.

I'm tired.

Yea. What else? I've been trying to run to make myself cite.

I realized I really study better when I bring my notes to the loo as I shit.

I think libraries are really kinda cold.

I think my hair sucks and I'm prolly the only one who cares and I should just get a wig or sth.

I wanna be the ice cream uncle with that caring smile who scoops ice cream under the umbrella for primary school kids every afternoon.

I wanna be that primary school boy with his bag slung low and his hair spiked up, who looked at me with wanton abandonment. Except he wasnt eating an ice cream like everyone else. Now why wasnt he? Maybe he ate one the day before. Maybe he thinks it unhealthy. Mayhe maybe he thinks it uncool.

If I had a wish I wanna stop being me and for every single day I can swap my soul and be someone else, just to see how it's like. Maybe after that I'd be glad to just be me.

I gotta go eat. I am watching the wedding date tdy. Thats if plans doesnt flop.

Will you be my 12th gurl fren
I promise u I'll never let it end

Its okay

I want to tell you that everything is okay
Everything that has been bugging ur brain
They are really okay
It's okay that u're fat
It's okay that you wanna kill ur mum and dad
It's okay that you're always scared
It's okay that you're not that disciplined
It's okay that you're too afraid to say what you feel
It's okay that you ask people to piss off so much
It's okay that you're rude to your friends
It's okay to eat Ben and Jerry's ice cream all the time
It's okay to feel like crying for nothing
It's okay to not know what to do with your life
It's okay to not be there for your friends
It's okay that you lie
It's okay to not be able to sleep
It's okay to even want to die

It's okay to be human.

Why does nobody ever tell you this? Do they assume you know it already? I'm telling you now. It's okay.

Shit

A few days ago I was gonna post this picture I took with Jon Jonsson up here. Yeah..I delayed telling u abt how exciting that was for me...coz I wanted to show u the pic so that u'd be convinced abt how hot he is. And maybe u'd be cite.

Now. The hello thing sorta screwed up so it's like I dun care to show it.

Then. May just called and left me disconcerted.

So you don't agree with the choices ur frens make sometimes. It's not right. But its not as if u have a say in it. It's not as if u can influence it.

People choose their lives. You can't turn ard and say I told u so.

Yet maybe it hurts to watch them go that way.

So I was gonna tell u abt my day really. Like normal pple do. I went for tuition. Let my kid absorb whatever wisdom that I earned from this world. Then I went to the library. Then I saw this kid semi-dancing behind a shelf. Then I smiled to myself. Then I read some how to let joy fill ur life shit. Then I contemplated borrowin it for the entire world to read. Then I placed it back. And then I found this.

In a field
I am the absence
of field.
This is
always the case.
Wherever I am
I am what is missing.

When I walk
I part the air
and always
the air moves in
to fill the spaces
where my body's been.

We all have reasons
for moving.
I move
to keep things whole.
- Mark Strand "Keeping things whole"

And then. And then I came home and ran and then that was where it all begun. Damn it. I am the one who'd like to disappear. Just bring me joy or bring me nothing.

page 266

We all need someone to look at us. WE can be divided into four categories according to the kind of look we wish to live under.

The first category longs for the look of an infinite number of annoymous eyes, in other words, for the look of the public. Thats the case for the German singer, the American actress, and even the tall editor with the big chin.

The second category is made up of people who have a vital need to be looked at by many known eyes. They are the tireless hosts of cocktail parties and dinners. They are happier than the people in the first category, who, when they lose their public, have the feeling that the lights have gone out in the room of their lives. This happens to nearly all of them sooner or later. People in the second category, on the other hand, can always come up with the eyes they need.

Then there is the third category, the category of people who need to be constantly before the eyes of the person they love. Their situation is as dangerous as the situation of people in the first category. One day the eyes of their beloved will close, and the room will grow dark. Teresa and Thomas belong in the third category.

And finally there is the fourth category, the rarest, the category of people who live in the imaginery eyes of those who are not present. They are the dreamers. Franz, for example. He travelled to the borders of Cambodia only for Sabina. As the bus bumped along the thai road, he could feel her eyes fixed on him in a long stare.