If LiFe'S tHe dIseAsE ThaN LOvE's ThE cUrE

As if people din know that already.

See children playing with fireworks in the park downstairs. They were in pajamas... they were running around and laughing... genuine.

Its good to be kids. They know what they want and they must get it. Well they cry if they don't. And adults give in. Us...most of the times we dun know what we want, so ofcoz we dun get any. Other times we know what we want, but at the particular moment it might seem out of place, so we dun dare to go for it. Lets say u feel like dancing in the rain... but u are alone... and u only heard of couples dancing in the rain... and u r not a particularly graceful dancer... so u chuck that thought at the back of ur head and u take ur umbrella out instead...and walk like everyone else. Walk instead of dance. Stay quiet instead of laugh. Play safe instead of falter. Routine instead of spontaneous. Go with the crowd instead of standing on your own. Admit it. Thats the way it is.....more often than not.

Din do much visiting this new year, din even gamble for gods sake. Was suppose to be the tradition right...but granny passed away last yr and we're not suppose to visit. I know... who cares abt visiting anyway. Hey u gained weight! U lost weight! U r in accounting! Ur hair is long! Small talk. Too much of it.

Did go to this gathering at ex classmate's place... almost abt 10 of us i reckon.. but there wasnt much conversation. Just awkward with one another like neighbours who meet someone suddenly out of context and discover that the only thing they have in common is their proximity.

Proximity for 10 hours and still.....

Did get to meet two kids... niece n nephew of the host. Marcus and Mavis... good names duncha think.... hmm... i wonder if kids today knew more than i did... i think they do. But they dun neccessarily know the right things... then again who's to say whats right or wrong. Just wish them well... dunno when i will c them again..

I'm seaching a little further, look a little deeper... to find that something that came out of my dayz.....i refuse to settle for bleakness.

Met Jade tdy... the person's just like the name. =) She's a middle aged lady. One of our stall vendors. Makes handmade ceremics... and they look awesome. She's not married but i adore her love for her craft. You c it in the meticulous manner she handles them... the way she talks abt how she does them. The detailed instructions she gives me for handling them.

" In singapore people get sucked up in the rat race and they forget what they are here for."

She was once in a office job...quit and took up classes and her craft was born. Wish i can take pictures of them and share it with u...but until my camera comes...

You can c it in the way she speaks. Her expectations of life. Simplicity. Care abt what matters to u. I nod in agreement. Add a little sentiment on my own. Told her to pass down her skills to me when she retires. I'd help her open a shop if i have the money. If i have the money. In my mind i doubt myself already... won't i be lost also ... once i get outta school... will i know whaT matters. Do you.

People ard me... some do i guess... some don't obviously. Ha some pretend they do. Well.... what do i care.

They say if u havent found anything to die for, you havent lived. Wonder what Jade's willing to die for. Her crafts? Bleah... probably her family. Have i lived.

To all the people in love, out of love, running away from love, yearning for love, praying for love, waiting to love, afraid to love, desperate for love, insecure about love, tired of love, grateful for love, dying for love...

Although we dont see it everyday...Love's all around... and thats what matters. Definitely not the trival things we complain about each day. Chuck work, chuck tutorials, chuck bills, chuck troubles. I see it today, i see it this moment. I cant say i'd recognize it forever... but only aT this moment. Thats why i'm writing this before i forget. Hope u do remember too... =)

Ridget Jone's Diary

---- 4pm ----

What a screwed up carnival with screwed up people. Virtually hopeless. Made too many fruitless calls to ever believe fruits will fall. Too lazy to check my grades for general elective taken in last holidays. Dunno how tutor would react to my confessions in short story. If check and din get A would feel utterly wasted.

---- 4.10pm ----

Think i fell into semi-conscious sleep. Chinese New Year. New short skirt. Carnival. Stalls. Vendors. Flop. Flop. Flop.

---- 5pm ----

Darn phone rings. Must be sissy brother's sissy friend kenneth, no kerrick. Keep thinking its kenneth coz it sounds more sissy than kerrick. Unplugged the wire socket so that phone stops ringing without having to tell sissy boy brother is sleeping. Do not even feel bad about it.

---- 5.05pm ----

Retreats back to bed but realized haf lost momentum to return to semi conscious state. ArghhHHHhhhhh swear to remember to unplug phone whenever decides to sleep....

---- 5.20pm ----

Damn i am still conscious?

---- 5.30pm ----

Drag body up, with painful knee (walked and run too much in a week + stupid $2.90 slippers pretty but not comfy). Sulky due to imperfect sista.

---- 5.45pm ----

Missed calls - 1

Hurray!!!! Turkish ice cream Turkish guy Elias decides to join our about-to-flop carnival. Excellent. Except for fact that he asked me to sign contract on CNY. Dumb Turkish man. Elated nonetheless.... msg partner to flaunt results.

---- 6pm ----

Aunty called, buying breadtalk...engages in too much small talk....

---- 6.05pm ----

Checked General elective grades. A! A! A! Have to compose self to break the news to fellow mate who got a B. Am i great or am i awesome? Love tutor.

---- 6.10pm ----

Can't believe two good things actually happened in a row! Maybe disturbed sleep was good afterall. But also shows how not in control i am about feelings of happiness. Its externally controlled by events and entirely up to other people when it ought to and should be coming internally from self. Ooooo, need to build up detatchment system where self happiness is untouchable by external environment. Means to say will be happy even if sky falls down and sun doesnt shine coz i dun have control over sun or sky. But then that also means that must be happy even when life's hopelessly screwed up...like if your head suddenly decides to go blad, or if you boyfren suddenly decides to snog another bitch... hence can see that theory of controlling happiness is totally debatable...

---- 6.40pm ----

Rite. So i wonder who would read this..... =) Habe a qood gay....


p/s: Love short fluffy skirt

Have u Ever ?

Have you ever read two books at the same time
Have you ever felt love at first sight
Did you ever find someone so right
Or did you just let love go by

Was it you who brought me to life
Bring the hope that i thought i couldnt find
Or did you just merely lead me on
And bring this pain to my already painful life

Have you ever not finished a book you like
Just so you'd never know the whens and whys
Have you ever stopped before the finishing line
Just coz you decide you dont care to try

Whatever intentions that came out of your disposition
There's no means of justification
When my feelings have already been given
My only wish is that yours was in the first place never taken...

Jaded

Saturday, January 17, 2004
Wat do u do when u feel everyone just wants a piece of you. And you are unwilling to give that piece, simply coz you'll lost that one whole you. What happens when u need to compromise, to settle for less, but you refuse anything but the best. What becomes when you believe you've given it all, and by right what u give is what u get, but why do u get nothing. Nothing at all. What's to be when you are expected to be polite and sweet, when what u are is really a human who needs to scream. How do you treat someone who thinks you care, when you don't really care a bit what she thinks. How's to know what's wrong or right, when you feel so wrong and so right at the same time?