Bittersweet symphony

Right.

So my supervisor just asked me what the hell i was doing in the office and what would happen if big boss sees that i am doing my own work and i go-" So do u have any work for me?" And then she goes..."u finished SORTING FILES IN THE CUPBOARD?" "UHUH!" Then she sorta disappears. =)

So here i am! I wrote some shit at work to share. Pardon me if its shit. Coz work is. =P

---I DARE U TO LIVE---
You know how its like
You live your life
And ur floating floating floating

You meet some fellow floaters
And u form a raft
And u travel in the same direction
Together u sail, sail, sail

Sometimes someone gives up
And then she sinks, sinks, sinks
But u kinda refuse to give up ur raft
So u leave, u leave, u leave

You know how its been
The people u left behind haunts, haunts, haunts
One day ur raft became a cruise
It surges, surges, surges

U look around, the people with you
They're gross, gross, gross
And u think.
What did I do? Where did I lose myself?
So before u know it u exchanged ur raft for a cruise
You exchanged urself for someone else.

5.12pm MONDAY 29/6/04

Waiting

Am waiting to go to another party.

Yeah...I dunno but does anyone in this world like to waiT? I mean... I believe everyone hates to wait somehow. Depends on who u r waiting for. Are they worth it. I think I blow up alot these days. Am over PMS so i dunno whats eating zann the grape but emotions are not intact. They are wild, and running.

Feels like i am gonna end up offending someone anyone in an explosive way. But so be it. Sorry frens. Zann's just an impatient, ignorant, self-obsessed freak.

So hey!~ i gotta tell u man. What went up on saturday. I mean whats up!~ We went to the gen Y concert (courtesy of adel-the-concert-ticket-giver)lah u know and there we were,ahahah we got a i-can-see-his-face-and-almost-touch-him close look of Jerry Yen and Vic Chou!~ Truth is i dun even like them la. Think they are the biggest flops la but guess what? They. are. good. looking. Period. =)

Awesome stuff la. Made me feel 16 again u know. That high and excitement, life's filled with anticipation, idol worshipping, with loads and loads of screaming. =) Cant believe now i'm the one who covered my ears la =) Thank god i went. Thanks chew!~ ahahhaah for being spontaneous.

So we played tennis tdy la. And oh man!~ In no time we can go professional la. =P Ok i realised adel might be reading this. I was saying...we improved, somewhat tremendously. But still i feel sorry for ronald la. (adel's bf) Besides suffering with the agony of my badminton playing strokes, I was kinda mean. Bleah. But sheesh, the only reason god made man was so that women could make them crazy. And vise versa.

"Come on baby light my fire...try to set the night on fire..the time to hestitate is thru..there's no time to wallow in the mire"

Extrapolating

To donate organs when dead. Daunting.

Death. Daunting.

To live each day as it comes. Scary.
To live each day without losing sight of the last. Fulfilling.

Trick to happiness - managing of thoughts

Living life to the fullest. Cliche.
Losing the spirit to live. Useless.

My dad wants to buy me jewellery for my b-day. =) Its the men who makes us wanna be a woman. Am not there yet, however. Never will be.. until u treat me as one. I'll live up to ur expectations.

Bro bought back this guardinia bun from SYF. =) Awwwwww

My tutee has a love-hate relationship with me. Muah ha ha how else can u explain treating someone nicely when they call u dumb and put u down. =) Think the only reason why she does work is so that i put her up again. Hopefully it'd happen. I wanna teach so that kids adore me. So that i influenced who they turn out to be. Even though I am just another piece of shit.

ThAts jUSt thE wAY iT iS

Am in the office right now. Like hell am having bad cramps and I visit the loo every 15 minutes. Havent written anything in here since last sunday. Its 2 more weeks of work and i am so getting out of here. Am going redang. Yea. I hope i get to do some soul searching there.

A fellow intern from another dept was asking me abt my burping habits. He thinks that its disgusting for a lady to burp. Aye... i think its digusting for a guy to think that way. Whats disgusting abt burping? Maybe my mum din teach me right. I dun remember learning that burping was rude or gross. I think I only know that humans burp. And some do it more often then others. Thats burping for u......

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SOMETIMES I wished I was mute, den maybe I will have the desire to speak. And every word thats conveyed by me will have meaning. No more talking. More connecting..........

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Mich's party?

So there it was
like another gathering in celebration of life.
Living.
Happy families and friends
Picture perfect moments
How everything ought to be
Happy birthday mich. Ur blessed.

So there we were
On the couch
Making conversation that was totally out
How distant one can choose to be
How difficult it is to get out of it
Its a scary place u dun wanna be

And so here we are..

The mouth of truth

I wonder sometimes if God was lookin down at us and his heart aches. When we give up on ourselves. Or when everything is fucking screwed...and we put ourselves down like it doesnt matter. Like we are not worth a shit. Like nothing was ever worth a shit. Read ur blog.

That feeling that no one cares abt u. That u need someone anyone to come save u. I guess I've got that so much that it's not really an issue anymore.


----the Idea of Repressors-----
Was reading this article about Defense Mechanisms that we humans develop. Repression -- a way pple keep unpleasant memories out of their conscious mind. Repression is a compensatory style that deals with threat and stress by blocking unpleasant emotional experiences that might bring up anxiety, distress and vulnerability. Repressors have a chronic inaccessiblilty filter that keeps then from experiencing the world through their emotions. They feel attacked and then distant and isolate from others when they are stressed. They are conflict avoidant and cannot tolerate working things out to the satisfaction of others. Repressors have one emotion - A to A. Anger is a substitute emotion for the hurt and disappointment they might feel. Anger takes them out of their emotional flat line and becomes their dominant emotion. They are stressed bu having to deal with others on an emotional level and change the subject or evade the issue to keep pple who are upset from bothering them. They tend to be aggressive and have a higher belief in themselves than most pple. On the positive side, Repressors are often less neurotic than those who express their feelings easier. They can see events objectively without emotions clouding up the issue. People who repress their feelings view themselves as "thinkers" and proudly use their intellect to process information. They often intellectualize, trying to explain emotional painful feelings through thought.

So...there. Is that u.

And then there is this part abt narcissim. Maybe next time.

Guess God will be fine. Even when we arent. Coz we were meant to take pain. Feel pain. But survive it.

Neurotic Blogger blogging

Hey man
am here to diss all those who do not update their blogs like wtf!!!!!
m neurotic.
heh... Lets see
Whats up!
I love work nowadays. Ok i dun la but truth is i realized how nice some pple are and well i haf pretty much the same things to do which i know howta do. So its kinda cool when i get the figures to balance and stuff. =) Mite just try out accounts for a year or two. U know until i become borin. AAnd Sassadddd Falalalala
I had a good weekend la.i know its like mid-week and stuff but i'm trying to say that when u are working a good weekend is critical to an enjoyable week lar. U know, feeding ur soul and mind with what makes u happy and then go battle the week of plain meaningless work. Ok not meaningless. Maybe.
I went out with May. =) Last sat and watched the ETERNAL SUNSHINE of the CLUELESS mind. =) yeah we were clueless la She thought the movie was "Fucking boring" i thought it was ok lar not as good as they said it will be. Critics can never be trusted. But still. Love May la. We did nothing much. She puffed and drank her dose of caffine at starbucks and i hope our curse came true for those bitches who bluffed that those seats beside them were taken when they were obviously NOT! yea I hoped that they got rape. May say it must be by some ba bu singh. But no pregnant she adds. She has a heart la. muah ahahahahhaah
Alrite sorry for going back in time and writing abt this. But!!!! Am going to Mich's b-day party this sunday! Awesome la i mean i was thinking that i am so gonna rot but u know what its a dinner buffet!!!! how great is that! hahaha so i am so not gonna rot la. =)
Plus my brother's talkin to me alot these days. Muah ahahah holiday mood la muah ahahaha
world idol time!!!!!!! =)

MaGiC

Practical magic's on tv. =)

Ya know if i ever get to heaven, If they ask me a question .. U know like which era was i from and what life i led? I'm so gonna say that i came from the era where the spirit of Harry Potter was shared to the people. Bleah i know what ur thinking. I had an overdose of magic eh.

Aww i wish i could live in it. It's how life's suppose to be. It brings me back to being a kid. If anything i dun remember nothing back when i was one. But i remember the feeling. In awe, transfixed, not thinking but anticipating. Exciting. Pulse beating! =)

Wonder if Harry Potter will suffer from Harry aftermath. Like what the hell is he gonna do in his life that supercedes being in that movie. That movie. Hmm......okie i thought of some things. But aye u know what i mean!

So hey hey. Thank you so much J K Rowling!~

drowsy

It was as if my family had taken root in our sterile house and grown up around - around, not with - one another, like trees. Just filling in the time, passing the time together until we could leave.

Outside, things came together and fell apart wihtout too much pomp or ceremony. Everything stayed upright. We'd continue to move among one another as before, the occasional crisis standing in our mist like an unmentionable smell. Consequently, I grew into an ardent communicator who has no tools for conflict. Fight to me means flight. Better just to sweep it under the carpet and act like nothing is going on. And maybe eventually nothing will be.

Drowsy is the best feeling u can ever get if u have a weak heart.

Learn to KILL to feel SAVE

"Social lore and clinical writings suggest that it is possible to desire less closeness with romantic partners. That is, it is possible to feel smothered, suffocated and enmeshed in the context of closeness. "

Researching for my FYP now. Interesting read. Once again m convinced that there is nothing that u are feeling right now that havent been felt by someone else in the world. Which is comforting. No excuses for feelin like the world is mighty and unfair.

Nose is so sniffy i hope tt when i wake up tmr morning it has dropped off. Played tennis tdy and it was cool. I had a tan when there was pretty much no sun. Think my skills might just have improved. Thanks to adel and roomie who TRIES to get my balls.

Rite.

"She has always thought that the ideal relationship would be a place where you would feel free to be whatever the fuck it was u were. It seemed odd to fall in love with someone all the while hoping that some fundamental changes would occur, enabling you to remain steadfastly in love - to hold back your acceptance, on the notion that all will be well once she becomes more like what she was going to become once u loved her into learning. Bowed and broken into learning your new law of love. It's that notion, that damnable, crippling notion that things could be - are supposed to be - better. The crippling addiction to the idea of better."

I wonder if u get what she's saying. I guess i do. Ha coz i am readin the damn book. Thats all to share for tdy i guess. In case ur pea brain can't take it.