Still dere

I need to write.

I shouldnt have started my morning with you. I forgot how u had the ability to make me feel the way u do. Choked. Thats how it is.

I could never be good enuff. In all actuality you're never good enuff for me. You couldnt stop that ability.

Its good though. I only miss you when u're right beside me.

--------------

I let the hair dresser chop of a good portion of my hair. It's in this weird length. Neither short nor long. Perfect for the indecisive. Argh. No more braids.
--------------

At 12 am yesterday I felt the tears overwhelm my eyes as the brothers made their dash to the finishing line. I've never been a fan of amazing race. Such a non emotional show. Guess I was wrong. Those same brothers who's van overturned and knocked over the camera man. Those hours they wasted waiting for a replacement van. The gay couple competitors who stopped their van just to check if everything was okay. Rob and Amber driving by. That worried look across his face. The prayer he said out loud, asking God to forgive him. And those big quick desperate strides, those long limbs and athletic body that helped them overtake the other team. They were so close. So close. Alas they reached and I swear the host had tears in his eyes...

I guess I wanted them to make it. Simply coz they were brothers. SImply coz throughout the accident they stuck by each other. There was no blame pushing. Merely encouragement. 'We are not gonna get eliminated' 'We're not.' He kept saying this on the van....While the other couple bickered over their task.....

Leenu was telling me how emotional she is. She crys at the Indian Idol show. Guess she's not alone on this.

--------------

I couldnt take my eyes of this little boy on the train. He's abt 8. He's all abt basketball. One, he carried one. Two, his handphone keychain was one. And three, his singlet and burms both had one too. Such made him different. He had that air of confidence. So sure of himself. Like he knew what he wanted and nothing else mattered. Anyhow. I realised that I never made a distinction between what I wanted and what I was good at. Being good at sth often made u wanna pursue it...even though it might not be what u want.

There was another instructor at Yoga yesterday. I suppose she was a traniee of some sort. She was just by the side observing. And at one point we were doing the so-and-so pose and she said outloud 'so envious'. Then my instructor said 'Oh this is Zann. Zann is very flexible.' Ho Ho. I lift my head up from crotch and said ' Aye...Its coz I'm young.' And she said 'Not true!~ Some pple just cant do it!'

I was gleaming. =) I think I might have stumbled on sth I like and can do.

My chat buddy went missing. She went to make more of the thing that makes the world go round.

OC is back. Seth Cohen. =) My bro is cite. Or rather his fren is. He couldnt stop humming the tune to his ear in class tdy. Ho Ho. Boys are cute. Arent they.

C I T E

I'm hardly in good cheer so I wanna do this properly.

Good Morrow!~!~!~ I'm cite.

Just.

Yesterday I watched In Good Company. I'm a fan of Topher Grace. I want to marry him.

May doesnt move her fucking mouth when she speaks. She can go be a ventriloquist.

Lemme ask u this: Who's the one person whom u enjoy talking to most in ur entire life?

Who?

The closest answer I can come up with is prolly my Bro. Its not like I can tell him everything I want to. Its not like our talkings are even intellectual conversations. I dun even think we have conversations. But I guess its coz...He knows how I am. And there's no need to prove otherwise. Hence.

Good Morrow!~ Did I say that already? What a perfect day it is. In an imperfect way. This entry is gonna make Jo wait. I'm meeting her in an hour for XLB at Holland V. Somehow there's a distance between me and that place. I've got to close it.

I jus watched Desperate housewives. And it was entertaining. I dun like the murderous part but....I kinda like the the the scandalous part. Those ridiculous things that are really not so ridiculous. If my mum knew enuff english I wonder whether she'd like the show. If I even talked to her I would tell her abt how her desperation is shared among all.

After that the American Idol finalists sang 'He aint heavy, he's my brother'. And it just occurred to me how great the whole concept was. It shall never run out coz as long as people sang, and as long as people listened to music, thats worth commemorating. Long live American Idol!~ Or any Singing Idol contest for that matter.

I was watching this Jacky Wu show on tv. Like a chinese version of Gotcha. Just that it was in this massage parlour and their target - members of this taiwan band 5566. And the actors were carrying such a str8 face throughout the show I was laffing my arse off. Man. I havent laughed at the tv box for quite some time. =) Its always good to know box works. Sometimes I wanna have SCV. I wanna just immerse myself in other pple's life coz its just the way it should be. Your life is made up of other pple's life. And u're a character in mine. You choose ur screen time. Usually ur screen time is much more than mine. Nothing much happens to me. The camera can linger on me forever....

Sometimes I think u can pretend ur acting. Just act your life. Act it. Act it such that its fun for u. So that u make ur screen time worth.

You dunno what I'm saying.

I think I'm emotionally guarded. I think u prolly are too. Yeah. Not you though. Not you.

"We may inhabit families and friendships, experience moments of love even, but ultimately, we all live alone."

That was from May. She was inspired half way when I was babbling. And she wrote u sth. But she aint gonna give it to u.

I miss my lit tutor. But I'm not interested in his coming lecture. Which is also his last. So I am torn. If I attend it, it'd be merely to satisfy whatever curiousity I still have towards him. Not coz of the subject matter of his speech....

What kind of person does that make me.

Oh shit. How is it that I write the good cheer out of me?

A person who writes alot must be emotionally guarded. How else explains why u can't just say what u think? How u cant just forget what u thought? How is it that u must document what u think? Why why why. Is it coz sometimes u think thoughts are just all u have. It's the only thing that truely belongs to u and that u have control over. Yes. U have control over them. They are ur's.

Choose what u think.

What was I saying?

Jo.

I am gonna meet Jo.

Series of unfortunate events

One. I did not rock my quiz. Yeah. After sloggin for 3 days thats almost embarrassing to declare. And two. I was gonna take a nap and recharge before meeting May but NO. They have to, absolutely have to, renovate their lovely house today, NOW. Drill drill drill. Three. This is long overdue but I have to tell u abt it. I was returning from tuition ard my house, hence wearing kuku big oversized 3 for 10 pasar malam T-shirt and flimsy SAJC shorts, with hair pinned up like chicken feathers with a gigantic clip, looking hideous and all. THEN, A Cute guy comes while I was waiting for lift. ENTERs lift with me, me still lookin unsightly. Actually, can't really tell if he was real cute la. I was staring at the floor the entire time, wishing hair and t-shirt can somehow adjust themselves. He was carrying his motorbike headgear and wore some orange surf burms... well. He pressed the lift for me la. So thats cool. Thing is for all the Sundays that I take that lift? No cute guy has ever appeared. I made a mental note to self to care abt not looking a mess.
-------------

Let there be you
Let there be me
Let there be oysters
Under the sea

I swear thats the lyrics of some song in the Nat King Cole CD I purchased. Hmm...

--------------

There's a famous myth from Plato's Symposium: People were hermaphrodites(having both female and male organs)until God split them in two, and now all the halves wander the world over seeking one another. Love is the longing for the half of ourselves we have lost.

Aye that from the book I refuse to finish. Finding another you in this world. To make being you less lonely than it is.

--------------

Yelen

I really should've been studying diligently. But instead I went to read THIS http://offence.diaryland.com/030808_32.html She rocks. And I wish she was cloned.

Come away

Me: Being upset and down is as good as being dead. When u're depressed ur world is no longer how it really is. Its just urself.

Zx: You learn from ur depression and sometimes u get stronger. So being sad is not exactly being dead. haha

I was talking to Zhexuan last night on msn. I believe it was the first time she asked me how I am. She also enlightens me about the difference between Vancouver and Victoria. Its like Singapore and Sentosa, she says. Vancouver is in Canada whereas Victoria is seperate from the main country-Cananda. Its like on Sentosa. And and she is going to Alaska by herself with a tour. And she tells me she is 7988.84 miles from Marina Square. Ha. Cool shit. She's just one of those independent pple....one of those friends who isn't always there...but knowing that she is there brings comfort to my existence.

Anyhow. I've been watching this Anime BLEACH. It takes me away. To this place that I wish u would come too. Vi, have u watched this one yet? I think I'm in love with the main character Ichigo. yeah I know what u're thinking. That I'm dumb. Me in love with something that isnt real. Something that's conjured and then drawn out. Uhuh. I'd tell u it's as real as it gets. I think if I spend more time with my bro I might become an Anime fan. Its good to know I share similar interests with a 15 yr old. O. I just realised that Ichicho is 15 too. Hur. I really have the urge to tell all my friends abt that show. But I shant. Sometimes ur frens arent ready for u yet. Sometimes u have to be patient and have faith. Yea..when u're ready to come my way? Tell me.

BTw my bro won some silver medal yesterday for the 4x100m relay. Hmm...He told me he was expecting 2 Golds. Hur hur. He was nice enuff to buy taki or tako whatever balls back for me. Sweet. He went to meet this guy online to buy some burned Anime. And apparently my bro is very smittened with this guy coz he looks gorgeous. My bro wants me to meet him. But aye... he tells me that guy has a sissy voice. And I can't stand sissy voices....PLus. No strangers.

A bus ride was how long my last crush lasted. I saw this guy coming on the 179 bus that reminded me of you. And then when I saw him get down from the bus again? Yeah...the feeling was gone. Sadness. But But But. Adel and I sat beside the Korean butch some days ago in the lab. She still does it for me.

It gets upsetting when the book u're so attached to comes to an end. I dun even wanna finish it so I'm just gonna leave it there. I was just thinking..that ultimately the reason why its so hard to be with someone is coz u're trying to find another human being with the same construed meanings as u have. Otherwise it just gets too tedious trying to explain what every single thing means to you, to them. Unless for u, ur meanings are shallow and u can incorporate their meanings in urs. I dunno. Otherwise u'd end up like my parents I guess. Their meanings are so different it hurts too much to communicate them. And they'd rather just sweep it under the carpet. Aye yai yai yai yai

So I've gotta run. That table of rice, the cheesecakes, the ice creams, the apple pie, the desserts. They are all catching up. Plus the quiZ....its catching up. Oooo I've gotta go d/l another episode of Bleach for my bro.

O O O and i forgot to thank u guys for attempting that quiz. Yeah man its hopelessly flawed. =) Well I say again that it's useless knowing stuff abt me. Whats enuff for me is that u know what u like abt me....the reason why u're my friend. That way my existence means sth to u...and that's how it all makes sense. One of my bestie thinks I dun scold fuck all the time....ha. Love her for that.

Ok man. Keep the faith you!~ =L

Soulmate

HeRe.I was just in the i-dun-wanna-do-work mood so I read one of the few blogs that intrigues me. And she does. I so feel like meeting her. I would so have felt that thing she felt for that boy on the court. The boy on the court...

On that note.....
I have begun. Or rather I have been doing some pretty dumb things to try to get in touch with someone again. I dunno why I even bother when I sent u away sometime ago. If u came back I'd prolly recoil again anyway. Yet. I did it. I think I already gave u that impression. Damn. Silly Stupid Inconsistent Marshmallow brain

BREak_____DOwn

You called yesterday
To basically say
That you care for me but
That you're just not in love
Immediately I pretended to be feeling similarly
And led you to believe I was OK
To just walk away from the one thing
That's unyielding and sacred to me

Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of smile gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise till I go home at night
Then turn down all the lights and then I breakdown and cry

So what do you do when somebody you're so devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you and it seems they haven't got a clue
Of the pain that rejection is putting you through
Do you cling to your pride and sing "I Will Survive"
Do you lash out and say
How dare you leave this way
Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away

Gonna break you down
Only if you let it
Everyday crazy situations rocking my mind
Trying to break me down
But I won't let it
Forget it

Been feeling like your breaking me down
Kicking me around, stressing me out
I think you better go and get out
And let me release some stress

Don't ever wanna feel no pain
Hoping for the sun but it looks like rain
Lord, I just wanna maintain

Yeah, I'm feeling pressures y'all
But nevertheless Krayzie won't fall
It's over, it's ending here

That's Mariah for ya'all. Together with Bone Thugs & harmony. I love this song. Loved it den, love it now...somehow I knew it useful. See, the thing is...even Mariah gets that. She wrote this song so she must have felt all of it. All the hurt. And she is Mariah. She is my goddess. Ok, only to a certain extent. I dun much like her boobs. I know for some of u out there...This thing have been bugging the hell out of u...for the longest time. And u have been holding your breathe, waiting for something to happen so u can kick ourself right in the face and move on already. I ask u to stop waiting. When u put ur life on hold for someone else it aint gonna happen. What u're waiting for wont come. Listen. I also know things happen for a reason. Although I'm not really the best person to say this, but things happen to everyone. And people make the best out of things. They do. Mariah wrote a song out of it. I just wish you'd stop letting it get to u. You're not making the best out of things. I hate it. To the core. Just. Just go write a poem.

Enuff said.

What I know about me

I'm a morning person. Nothing can make me skip my meals. Bread is my weakness. I don't eat seafood. I watch about 40 movies a year. I get motion sickness on bus and cab rides. I perspire like a cow. I can't wear heals. I like my fingers. I get petulant if I don't eat my greens and fruits. I have a big bum and look like a milkmaid if I wear long skirts. I wish I had smaller boobs. Nothing can come close to my eyes. I took 30 minutes to put in my first pair of lenses. I had disturbed sleep for 2 weeks after I watched sixth sense. I only learned to swim and ride a bike when I was 15. The only thing demure about me is the fact that I have long hair and that I like flowers. I don't close the door when I pee. I find nothing wrong with me burping just like how u think it ok to call me fat. I am an auditory Learner. I'd bug u about any great movie or song that I came across and get upset if you don't like it. When my brother was born I brought his picture to school to show off. I was Primary One. I taught him the F word when he was 7. I cried almost everyday in school till I was P2. I was in TAF club for 2 years. When I was 9 I cried for 6 nights when my mum forced me to sleep in my own room. I think highly of myself and have difficulty admiting my mistakes. I begged my parents to send me to a girls school after some kindergarden boy peeped under my skirt. My Dad never caned us. Not long ago he expressed his disappointment with the way I turned out. When I was young he thought I was gonna grow up looking like Fann Wong. I hate taking photos. I hardly give compliments. I feel like slapping babies when they cry. You should never let me know everything about you. I really wanna marry an angmoh. I am constantly uptight. (If u think I'm not, I was pretending). I believe in checking the dictionary. I've never been on a date with a chinese guy. I'm constantly developing crushes. I told May I can't be her friend no more when she told me she was crooked. I am only book smart. I really wish I knew my directions. I am always in a mess. I sleep with a bolster under my feet, I need to be surrounded with pillows and blankets. I'm not a good listener but I won't be your friend if you don't listen. I can't suck up to people or do small talk. I hate it when you tell me u're bored. I hate it even more if you tell me u think u're fat. If you show me u need me I'll just walk away. You can't count on me to be there. I fell in love when I was 15. This little boy doing his stuff on the ice skating ring. I think they called him Little Kelvin. I tend to forget how to make people laugh. There are about 10 people in this world that I care about. I just finished my 6th journal. To me everything is personal.

Let the wrongs make a right

Adelene sends me a msg updating her state of affairs...

And it hits me. Its simple, really. You come across that someone that can make you smile during the day for nothing. You're not gonna be stupid and say no or deprive yourself. You're just gonna wanna spent every single moment with him. And dere's really nothing right or wrong about it. You're just chasing after the state of being happy. Maybe if I keep thinking like this then flings can be condoned. Yea. But not yours, unfortunately. Your meaning is different from mine. No, it doesnt mean having a relationship with someone you don't care about.

Its all about me

Ho Ho. I was reluctant to try my fren's quiz...Lest I get everything wrong and she gets disappointed. Lets just say I passed. I did one myself!~ Any beautiful stranger can prolly guess the answers. =) Try it wuncha? Den do one urself and lemme do it!

I made a Quiz for me! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!

You won't even know its about you

Is it just me or is it you?

Zx told May that she's so happy in Canada she wanna extend her stay, it feels like Crescent time again. An e-mail.

If I were to leave here and move to some place swelling....those people who means sth to me here....Will they mean sth much less? I dunno. I guess. It makes me think if it were mere circumstances that brought me to you. And when the circumstances no longer binds me, I dun feel the need to have u with me anymore. Lucky for u I'm extremely sentimental and ur value shall never decline.

But mine have. I believe. No e mails. Nothing. I hate to be disappointed. Once you make me feel that way its hard to win me back. I don't give remedial lessons.
-------------------------------------------
Jo, thanks for the voucher. Should have thanked u early. Those pple whom I brought there for the first time? Ha they were impressed. =P But yeah...I like the cuppage one better! ANd I kinda decided I should stop eating it for like another 2 years. =) And I was reading something u wrote to me on my 17th b-day. I cannot imagine I was once 17. ( Tdy at the Natas fair the travel agent thought I was like 16.) Anyhow. I din think I appreciated it much then? I read it but I din really know what they meant. ANyhow, I just wanna thank you for being you. =) You rock my world in the most subtle ways. ha

OKie. That must have been irritating for anyone who isn't Jo. I'm just in this I-cannot-sleep-mood. I dunno if I told u but I'm forbidden from talking after 11pm. I have to sedate myself. Otherwise its highly likely I can't sleep for the whole night. If u think me ridiculous than shame on u. I hate it when I tell u stuff and u give me that look. Stop it already.

We went to some Garden in Secret tdy. Well...to me it wasnt really a secret coz there were other garden go-ers who were there. They were a sophisicated bunch. It makes me feel slightly privileged to be in that same garden. Only the food was kinda meagre in size. But the strawberry cheesecake is a must try! Like seriously. I know my credibility is unusually low but trust me on this one. Yeah why is my credibility low? Why doesnt anyone have faith in what I'm trying to say no more. Damn it.

Oh and Jo? My fren lend me this book: The unbearable lightness of living. I so want you to read it and tell me what u think so that I can start a book club or sth. =P I know u've got loads of litigation shit to read though...=(

And yea. Would u rather be Julia Roberts or Natalie Portman? I think u'd prolly choose the latter right? Right? Coz I so wanna be Julia Roberts now. I dunno why.. We need to have a full discussion on this k? Remind me.

I am going to Sydney and Melbourne. I am worried that when I get on the flight I might feel so liberated I shall cry. And Adel won't be able to comprehend. The fact that I havent been on a plane in my life.

I wished ur meaning was the same as mine.

QUICKY

1. I have a dinner date with my chums tonight at Rice Table. Awesome shit. Am looking forward to a night of meaningless banter.

2. But, I also have a celebration tmr night at Secret Garden. (happens to look like a swelling place as well) This means I will be spending like 40 bucks on food within 2 #&^$*&% days! Thats like 6 movies I could have watched. Damn.

3. Nikko Smith is back on Idol. Man man man. How good can it get!?~ I need to declare that I love him. His color his hair (or lack of) his specs his super low pants his metal necklace the shape of his face his voice his voice HIS VOICE! You know how every season there's one idol that sings to ur soul and thats him for me! Yea...but pray the st00pid americans will so not let him slide....GO YOU!!!!!

4. I was in tutorial class the other day and fear hit me. I've been inconsistent and its creeping up on me. I need a plan and I need to execute it.

So u study to make urself feel better. Get stars on paper. A's on slips. Accolades from people. Ofcoz u don't enjoy it. But u made urself think u do just coz it does make u feel more worthy, more deserving, more acknowledged. And you never knew other ways to make that happen. After a while the difference pales. Are u doing what you like or did u make urself like what u're doing? What difference does it make though, you no longer knew what u like. Did u ever know? You study, for its the only way you get paid. You get paid to live. You live for getting paid.

Study. Work. If there were neither, if there were no systems, no boundaries, what will you do? You dont have to study or work. In fact what if no one does....Will u fish all day? Will u swim all night? Will u live life any happier than of now? Will u be jaded with living as well? I think u shall. I think u will. I duno. Man I couldnt sleep monday night and watched Temptation Island on repeat. My fave show ever man. Although it doesnt make any moral sense to do what they do. Is tempting always to get tempted. Thats the show I wanna be at. Though I'd prolly get voted out as soon as I introduced myself. Ho ho.

Lament

I just don't know what to do with myself.
Oh dear. Its one of those days. Am PMS-ing. Am quite sure. During this disgusting period everything to you becomes crap. What you do is crap. You eat crap. Your family is crap. Your brother the scum of the earth. See u think crap. You look crap. You even write crap.

"Who could refrain that had a heart to love,
and in that heart courage to make's love known"

I'm in love with the idea of being in love
I'm quite sure I know exactly how it feels
But I'm keeping it to myself
I'm not taking the risk, sharing the novelty
With you

You told me if I loved somebody
I gotta tell them how I feel
Otherwise that moment pass
And I'll end up feeling terribly misused

Oh it'd flatter you to know
The moment I'm hanging onto is with you
Yet trust me you won't know how to deal
And we'd prolly end up in circles
Two people, confused

So I'm in love with the idea of loving you
There's really nothing much left to do
Just maybe I could hang myself
Rob me of the need to feel

Decided it should be titled Defined by absence. Anyhow this crap was inspired by Bi. But its ironic coz she doesnt understand it. Doesnt even remotely like it I think. So yeah. But thanks for the inspiration. O gawd....ciao till the crap dies so I can stop being dramatic.

Conjured

May needs to get a job.

Mich needs to reassemble her pieces.

Adel needs to stop losing weight and stay healthy.

Me. I need...

Nothing. It surprises me that I've got all that I need. For now. Ah, wait. I want my nose to clear itself. Yoga sucks when I can't breathe.
---------------------------------------------
I went for lit class yest morning.

"The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity."

What if I say, the sole purpose of ur living is to ultimately find one thing. One thing that convinces you enough for you to believe in it, wholeheartedly. Yet u might say believing in merely one thing precludes ur mind from so many other possibilties. Am right now, I believe (Hur), somewhat believeless.

Sometimes I love the way he is. Such a cynic. "We've already ordered the two flims for the library so that you would so kindly go watch them. Yea...and they'll probably take around 10 years to arrive, so...." Oh. He's so funny. Sardonically.

Anyhow, Ni, I finally understood the Book of Evidence. I know now his justification for killing simply coz he could.

It boils down to the postmodernism shit. Where life is without meaning. Where believing in anything simply just means ur the stupidest piece of shit. Simple minded, thats what u are. If u believe. Morality is merely a deluded concept we created just like the idea of good and evil. We created regulatory systems; science, reason, psychology, morality, religion and Gods, all these fiction we created so that one is not forced to confront a void of nothingness. And the book! It's based on a true story of this man in Dublin. He has a PHD in probablity theory. Everything was fine and dandy until one day he decided to do sth out of free will for once, to go against all reason - to kill someone without a motive. He killed a nurse walking on the street that day. And when on trial he told the judge he killed coz he could. That landed him in a mental institution in Dublin, where he tutors physics to other inmates and inspires them to get external degrees. Hur. Since he doesnt believe in morality then its neither good or bad to kill somebody. "To do the worst thing, the very worst thing, thats the way to be free. I would never again need to pretend to myself to be what I was not."

".....that I never imagined her vividly enough, that I did not make her live. Yes, that failure of imagination is my real crime, the one that made the killing possible..I killed her because I could kill her, and I could kill her because for me she was not alive."

O...this so reminds me of collateral. I need to go talk to Leenu abt this and ask whether she thinks the man ought to be released. Do you think him mad? Do u now think it justified somewhat for his killing?

While I was listening to my tutor speak I was relating it to one of ur entries. If we could do anything we felt, without being tied down by logic. What if free will was not a sham. What if we werent constantly bounded by other conditions that dominates our choice? He asks the class if there was any time in our lives where a major decision was made out of free will, unaffected by what others think or say, or the place ur in....or the logic that u so had to put in. And I was thinking.. that even the biggest choice that one possibly has - to love somebody, isn't free will. At least not for me. Its tied to so many things. I wanna love Brad Pitt, but he's out of my reach. I wanna love you, but u don't really care a hoot about me. So I choose not to love u anymore. And I know u so love me, but I don't care a shit about you. So u'd just have to go deal with it urself. I dunno man. I am digressing arent I? Is your love free will? Or not? Or not? Okie. Enuff. If love is a decision and not a feeling....then its not free will is it?

The bottomline is.... free will is a sham... And ultimately you become what you are without ever really fully understanding how you came to it. So do not, DO NOT blame me for being me.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

I missed my stop on the train today
I was preoccupied with an ACS school prefect. No, not handsome, not even remotely cute. Just... I was looking at his badge, wondering what he gave up to become what he was appointed to be. This kid with some little responsibilties, some authority. Why he looks so uptight.

My two best friends were councillors. They took turns to book me for long nails and having too many ear holes. Write my pretty name in that tiny little handbook..How come they din cut me some slack? They knew I was no bad gurl....

" All ordered society makes passion drowy." Friedrich Nietzsche

Once people become intellects and get accustomed to any kind of system, they become diminished human beings. Please don't be.

Home

Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aerorplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

Everclear -- I will buy you a new life

Here is the money that I owe you
So you can pay the bills
I will give you more
When I get paid again

I hate those people who love to tell you
Money is the root of all that kills
They have never been poor
They have never had the joy of a welfare christmas

I know we will never look back

You say you wake up crying
Yes and you don’t know why
You get up and you go lay down
Inside my baby’s room

I guess I’m doing ok
I moved in with the strangest guy
Can you believe he actually thinks
That I’m really alive

I will buy you a garden
Where your flowers can bloom
I will buy you a new car
Perfect shinny and new
I will buy you that big house
Way up in the west hills
I will buy you a new life
Yes I will

Yes, I know all about that other guy
The handsome man with athletic thighs
I know about all the times before
With that obsessive little rich boy

They might think you think you’re happy
Yeah maybe for a minute or two
They can’t make you laugh
No they can’t make you feel the way that I do

I know we can never look back

Will you please let me stay the night
No one will ever know

I will buy you a garden
Where your flowers can bloom
I will buy you a new car
Perfect shinny and new
I will buy you that big house
Way up in the west hills
I will buy you a new life

Oh Jo. This song is much sadder than my poem! =( But I like it. =) Hee. U rock!~

Lost and needs to be found

Name: Shirley Lee Xieli
Height: 165 cm
Descriptions: dyke, broody, exudes hotness, looks malay, resembles a cuter version of Li nanxing
Affliations: Crescent girls school, Lasalle
Most likely to be seen with: Hockey stick?
Last seen: Anchor point shopping centre 2003

I'm quite sure this aint gonna bloody work. But I'm doing my best. May's truely madly deeply in love with this person. Been like 9 yrs. And since she aint got no money to hire a PI, aint got no super sunday search party in singapore, and she has resorted to flipping the yellow pages for her name....(I know!!!). I must help. You know how it is, you of all people, u avid reader of my senseless ramblings. That one first crush that u know was only lust. That person who made all the difference just by being present in your silly little insignificant innocent life? That person who smiled and sent u all the way up to cloud 9. That person who made living alive.

You, you're suppose to stop Shirley in her tracks if you ever get so lucky to catch sight of her, tell her that May(tt crazy junior) NEEDS to get in touch with her. And take her number! Yes. Please do it. DO IT! I know u dun feel like it. Just DO IT!!!!

Ok dere. I tried.

How has life been treating u? Mine's cool. I din touch any work in the weekend. I had a huge doze of TLC. I watched Closer. Liked it. I also watched Howl's moving castle. Was so involved in it I refused to be involved with any other thing that will undermine my involvement with the movie. I shared a moment with this cute ang mor who was sitting on the steps outside the fountain of wealth. I think he didn't believe much in touching it, maybe he didnt need wealth. I ate Cartel and Crystal Jade. I bought bras and undies and Pjs. I bought 3 pairs of ear rings and gave one to adel. I went to church and got bits and pieces of it. Here, lemme share it with u. "Love is not a feeling, its a decision. " And then there is, " Forgiveness is for people who don't deserve."

Then I saw Glenn and Jamie...and then we went to sit by the river and let the wind mess up our hair. And then the stars came. And then May told me she believes in horoscope. And that she went for tarot card reading. And that she has this book of horoscope for lesbians. Impressive. And that looking at the star sign itself aint accurate. There is the star sign, the moon sign, the element sign, the sun sign?!~ I dunno man..I lost her half way. And then I am down with the flu again. I know I have to stop getting sick. And then I forgot to tell u I rocked only one of my presentations. If only my autocratic grp mate would let me bloody speak. HUR! And I was such a bitch last week I need to apologize to AdeL. Thanks for being patient with me.
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"And Beauty is a form of Genius - is higher, indeed, than Genius, as it needs no explanation. It is one of the great facts of the world, like sunlight or spring time, or the reflection in dark waters of that silver shell we call the moon. It cannot be questioned. It has its divine right or sovereignty. "

My bro's literature test, on The Picture of Dorian Gray. He scored the second highest in class, 18/20. His teacher photocopied the gurl's (19/20)model answer for the class. I think the gurl wrote crap. Bro's was much better. Shall call the school to make a fuss. You go bro!

------------------------------------------------------------
I did some test!
The Sonnet

Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLDf)
Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?

Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.

Your exact opposite: Genghis Khunt Random Brutal Sex Master

Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.

You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.

ALWAYS AVOID: The 5-Night Stand, The False Messiah, The Hornivore, The Last Man on Earth

CONSIDER: The Loverboy

Go try it!~ http://www.okcupid.com

I Dream a house for you

I'm doing Yoga I'm stretching, breathing, stretching. I tell you I'm doing Yoga but my mind's not as one with my body. I'm saying I'm doing Yoga but I really feel like crying.

Relax. Purify..purify..purify. Be conscious of your body resting on the mat. Let your shoulders go, let your shoulders go, let your shoulders.....

----------------------------
I wanna build a happy house
You can come
Just to be merry

I'd have an empty room
With mirrors surrounding it
I'd teach you Yoga in it

There'd be a mini bar
I'd take you
when you feel like whining like a wimp

I'd build an exclusive library
Have a million zillion words
running free with me

I'll have a garden at the backyard
with two swings
We'd close our eyes, go up and down
Till we're too giddy to think

I'd even plant your favorite flowers
We'd have Daisys and Chrysanthemums
Lilies and Snapdragons
We can even cook the leaves

I'd have a movie threatre
With just two lavish looking seats
It'd screen all our favorite flims
Watch them and cry ourselves to sleep

I wanna build a happy house
You can come
And we'd never be lonely
Just promise me you won't be the first to leave
----------------------------

I feel like crying
It's because of nothing
Don't you dare tell me it shouldn't be
You know how it is

Paid

I'm serving the sentence
For the crime you so selfishly committed

A serious lack of judgement
When you came over to my table
and made a plea for my number

A foolish lack of control
When you placed your hands over mine
and shared with me the cold

An obtuse mistake
For that hug you gave
that felt like you'd never let go

Utterly ridiculous
The way you stopped my moving earth
As though I finally had time in control

Senseless
The way you rendered what I so willingly gave you
To nothingness

In jail it stays
And by the time its out
The cold would have turned it to stone
Does that
make me worthy now?