I'm running out of titles.

But I just need to let u know that days have been good. Yea. Even working. It has. I know. On friday it was bad and then on sat it was ace. How come eh....How come.

I made new friends. =) Suffice to say that the bottomline is still about human relations. Aint it. Its the same everywhere. Its probably the one big lesson u want us to learn.

Relationships are a pain in the arse. Its difficult as hell but you need to do it. Its the only reason why u're here.

Coz the next hardest thing is being alone.

And we all know how u cant deal with that.

**

Sometimes. U're not as strong as u think u are.

And yea. I know what u're thinking. U're not as u weak as u are either.

You see. I beginning to think u really have a plan for all of us. Be it tragic or bittersweet. Be it wasted opportunities or blessed surprises.

Just like how u planned for Robinsons to employ me after loads of people prolly rejected them. Just like how u plan for me to wear stripped pants to work and then have to change to ah mah pants for the entire day just because - u cannot wear this. Just like how u made Adel's shoes just a lil too tight for me and made those blisters. Then u planned for those customers to come at 10.15pm just when I'm supposed to knock off to make it difficult for me. Just like how u make those sizes disappear suddenly when the customers want THAT size. Just like how u made the store manager scold me for not steaming the trousers and me not having the guts to rebuke the fact that I forgot becoz it swarmed customers. You planned also for all the promoter staff to take their work as a piece of cake. You planned for me to see the other half of the world and how they work. U planned for them to talk to me in chinese. ITE, O levels, Poly.

There IS a difference. I'm not saying its a good or bad difference. All I'm trying to say is he might really just have a plan for each and everyone of us. And you'll never appreciate ur plan coz u dun know the other's.

Anyway back to what u so carefully plotted. U planned for the glass near the steamer to overlook the rest of cityhall. U planned for me to look out there when I was steaming ugly trousers this morning, see people running for shelter when the rain fell, u planned for me to feel so isolated from the world at that moment. U made me think that thought in my mind. That scary scary thought that you should have forbidden anyone from thinking.

Then u planned for me to come home and feel that thought surface again. U planned that din u. Din u? Well. Very brillant I should say. How u made Adel miss that double L in DISHWALLA so that she can't check my results for me in the morning. Was that suppose to be a surprise? And then.

You gave me a first class. I know. I'm suppose to be bragging if I place it here. BUt u see. This is precisely the reason why FIRST CLASS is FIRST CLASS. U get it so pple look at u different. Its precisely becoz so many pple want and work hard for it that u also feel like having it too. So that u have sth that pple dun. That makes u happy. Doesnt it? So that when pple ask u, u look them in the eye and not on the floor and say --- yea. I got a first class.

But hang on. What does it mean to u? First class what? First class life?

Getting it is nothing if no one feels happy for u. I find the need to tell u. That the only satisfaction that comes from it, is the admiration that pple associate it with. Its external. Nothing from within. Nothing.

**
You planned it too eh. For my best fren to ask me abt it this morning. And then for me to msg her to tell her what it was. And then for her to sound so darn happy for me that I'm happy, not coz of it, but coz she was happy. How many more pple does it take to be happy for u before u become happy with urself?

U planned for the first person I told - My bro, to have no reaction whatsoever. Thank u very much. Why does it even matter so much to me? Damn

**
AND the next plan u have for me....I'm waiting to see it. Come quick. Tell me. Am I gonna hang or am I gonna quit? Am I gonna get vains on my legs just like what she has all over her knees? Whats a first class doing at a sales store? Why is it that I feel it a necessity for u to know what i've achieved so u can stop judging me as a girl. Why is it that after this I feel I shouldnt take ur shit?

Yea. I am first class. Don't u DARE give me shit.

No. No. No. I'm there for the money. $450. When u're in their place u play by their rules. Never good at playing.

And no. I am NOT only 16 damn it.

Please dun plan me empty.

Kingdom of heaven

Halfway through Kingdom of Heaven I decided I haven't had enough of epic movies.

No. Not the dirty disgusting unshaven faces, not the glossy black hair, not the stupid looking helmet or whatever u call it, not the blood stained swords, not the constant battling with life and death, not the galloping horses, not the fighting for what you believe in and dying for it willingly. No. Not even the most moronic reasons that pple decide to go to war for.

I still love epic movies.

Every single time. I wonder if I were to be a man and be part of the fight. Is there anything that I'd gladly lose my life for. Would I be one of those who dies even before I can raise my bow and attempt to shoot? Like those slaves or teenage boys who are coerced at the last minute to fight and then straight away dies. Or would I be the last one standing who has so much blood in my eyes I cannot see but has a heart still so alive I cannot yet die but randomly slice my sword at whoever that came to give their lives.

Every single time. No matter how cliched and unconvincing those pre-war speeches are. Every single time. I hear them strike this chord in my heart. This sth that sometimes leads to me think how I must have been there once, at that historical period of time, I must have been part of sth defining and absolute in my past lives.

Yet this movie. It didnt make me cry. Damn I wanted to.

Halfway throughout the movie adel turns to me and says:" Actually I dunno what's happening leh."

"Yeah me too."

Anyway wasnt Edward Norton acting in the flim? Where where where? See him, I did not. Eh.

And yea. At the end of it all I decided that...Orlando Bloom makes me blush.

**

Holy shit. Edward Norton was the King! I knew it!~ He rocks my world.

**

I drew a mind map for Adel to make sure she got Naruto and knew how serious I was influencing her to like it. =) I hope she does! And thanks a million for the shoe babe!

And oh. I bought like this sassy skirt. I need someone to bring me to some place lush so that I can wear it. Hee. Love shopping.

rain

I know you don't mean to hurt me
Just like how I don't mean to be so delicate
And words are the only shield I own
So I'll use it just in case

Sometimes you can't see the rain
untill you hold out your umbrella
and hear
the drip drops just above your head

We used to be friends

I'm feeling incredibly sucky tonight. yea. I know u probably got the facts right. No more exams. No more studying. No more sleeplessness. Yet. I'm feelin lousy most nights.

He's crazy abt Jay Chou now. WTF. And the thing is.... we're different now. You're different now. Yea. So I guess when u said what u said u really meant it. Was just talking to bud about leaving pple behind, u know... sometimes u do it subconsciously. New things come and old things fade away. New meanings form that doesnt include old meanings.

At the end of the day all I wanted was to make a difference in your life. Well I think I didn't. But hush.

I believe in soul mates
I do I do I do
Like guardian angels they will come
Embrace you sliently in their arms
Don't need no words they'd understand
You won't see the need to try and defend
Who am I kidding
This search doesnt end

Friday

Its been 7 days since I last let u read me. It feels kinda distant already. I dunno. U know what I mean? Like its weird to begin to share my life with u again. Its like I'm back to talking to myself, or rather attempting to connect with u and hope u get me. Nah, I'm scared to death that u'll get me.

Anyways thanks for readin' me. I've said before that u know, individually our lives are meaningless, and the only way for it to mean sth is for you to share it. And I realised that u give me just that opportunity when u attempt to read this. So yea. I appreciate it. Thanks for letting me share me.

You know how sometimes u read someone's blog, whether it's a close friend or an ex-friend or an old friend...and after u read their entry u suddenly feel detached and so distant from them. Like ur sad or sth, that ur not part of their current life, or that u're not at the place that u think they've arrived at. Like they left u behind. Whatever the case, I just wanna let u know that I dun want that for my blog. Yea. Whatever happens... don't be a stranger to me. Unless ofcoz, u've never known me.

****

I've been bumming ard I guess. I just closed a chapter of my life. Thats the schooling portion. And I realised when we've got nothing to do on a daily basis we get bored. ok. thats saying the obvious. But yeah, what I'm saying is that we dun know what to do with ourselves or our live if we have no school or work. Its frightening how school/work defines us so much.

I got followed by this smelly semi-insane guy on Monday when I went to swim...that was kinda scary. I've been job huntin. I went to this company that is managed by punks, got interviwed by someone younger, and then I kinda fled. I will be working at robinsons for 8 days. I queued 3 hours for that interview. My uniform sucks. I dunno how I'd survive standing 12 hours a day but I will. I met someone who's interesting enuff to be a friend. I'd be invigilating at Whitley Sec School. I've been watching Naruto with my bro. It rocks!!! Heh heh. Finally an anime that doesnt sell any form of sex. I've been frequenting the beach. I was paid 10 bucks tdy for 30 minutes of listening to an insurance advisor. Was my pleasure ofcoz. Indians never fail to impress me. (Except u Vi. -_-) I kinda hope I marry one.

I need to convert Adel to an anime fan. Heh heh.

I watched a old movie I've always wanted to watch. I dunno when it came out but I think I love it. The mirror has two faces. U watched that one? I also caught my 4th RA movie Summer storm. Was good. Opened up my eyes a lil...yeah but sometimes....

sometimes I dunno what to say anymore.

Closer

I was reading an interview with Closer's writer...talking abt how the director wanted the movie to be like.

Mike wanted the flim to be a bit theatrical. He wanted the flim to be like life, but like a dream at the same time. I think he acheived that - it doesn't feel like life as it absolutely is, with all its grunts, and umms and ahhs, in inarticulacy. The dialogue still feels theatrical, but consciously so. We're aware of that. We're not intending this to be docu-drama. Mike wanted to capture that strange feeling you have when you're in love, that the world exists only if the person you love is with you. And that haunting feeling that when you're in love you're cocooned from the rest of the world. You're isolated when u're in love. Bombs fall and nations fall, but you're in love.

And I was just thinking about you last night. I think you've been in love for too long a time now. Why don't you snap out of it so that we can actually really play?

Acknowledge this

I'm gonna rock my last paper.
And thats the only way its gonna be.
When all's said and done I'm gonna buy Coach Carter's soundtrack
and practice my hip hop beat.
Following which I shall have to make out with an African American
right dere on some nude beach.

Then
My life shall be complete