Steady pom pee pee

Slow motion for me, slow motion for me move it slow motion for me...uh i like it like that, she working like that I don't know howta act...Whoo hoo new song by Juvenile. Very groovy.

U know... I think if I were God I would so be giggling at all the silly human beings who worry for life. Me. I seem to have lost that strength of mind to control whatever thoughts that infests my sorry mind. Now everytime I find myself worrying I think of the notion of travelling. =) ... ah...

Tdy was ___. I felt quite miserable after the ordeal of meeting my client company at this filthy place at Tuas. Well, the pressure was akin to some episodes of the Apprentice, coupled with my amazing ability to somehow say the most undesirable things that are not in anyway linked to the intentions of my groupmates, not to mention people who seemed to be totally oblivious to my hints to be efficient. Enough said.

Met Xueni in the reading room and it marvels me how she laughs at nothing. Yeah. Despite me asking her proper, straightforward, non ridiculous questions she cracks up. Which is quite irritating coz WHAT IS SO FUNNY?????? Despite that I do take comfort in the fact that I still have the ability to make pple laugh. Seem to have lost that "Yuan is a humorous, cute and fun loving gurl" me. Thats what they write in my autograph book. Maybe its my name. U know how a company's brand name can determine their make or break? yeah. Gotta do sth abt that image associated with ZANN. Met up with Chew and Jx in can A. Was just thinking for a second (not more)how much I missed hall life coz it really opened my social circle. Its cool coz now everytime I catch the engine pple ard I feel like some celebrity. ZANN! OH HEY!HI HI! I GOTTA RUSH! BYE! BYE! Just wanna say here that u guys make me feel like I actually belong in this school. Coz I pretty much have zero (ok one) friends in accounting thanks to my lack of social skills which I do believe is inherited. So its kinda amazing to actually sit in a group and chill. Boy am I deprived. BTW. Seirye, how dare u give a lousy review abt collateral? Oh ho .. it actually cracked me up a lil when jx thought the movie was THE NOTEPAD. LOL. So, I made a mental note to spent more time with them coz I do miss their company. Whats a life with time but no one to share it with ...

I'm sorry u have to see me in this sorry state
I'm just right now in a very shady place
You see, you said you saw me smile but that was fake
I didn't mean anything good I said
I've nothing to offer, nothing to ostentate
In me - hollow space, you
I've got voidness to fill, some apathy to use
But I don't think you will want to feel
But if u ever do then come right in
Come show me what your life means to you.

Somebody help me I think I'm falling

Hi. My heart is basically troubled now. Well you see, there's this guy whom I really like and... Ok. No la. Its this class that I have where we have to find a company to analysis their risks and control? Yeah whatever. like u care. Point is its not happening for my group and the deadline is friday and it seems like only one guy is worried and hence doing all the work. Actually I havent been trying real hard too la, but I think I tried the second hardest. Well I'm suffering from retribution now. You know that irritating warning bell that rings whenever u think about a problem that needs to be solved but you either don't know how to or it'd require too much effort on your pea brain. So there. Feels better after sharing it with you.

I've gotta tell u one important thing. My driving has improved. Well it doesnt take 10 minutes for me to park anymore. And I don't have that pissed feeling upon realizing that the lack of patience runs in the family, when Dad SCREAMS like a girl when I'm unable to execute his distressingly unclear commands. And did I mention that sometimes he actually allows his hands to be placed on his lap instead of holding on to that grip above his head protecting his dear life? Man that has gotta say sth -- I have improved. =) So, any one wanna ride?

Track back.....

Well. Did I tell you I went to the zoo last friday? With Adel and Huiling and Ronald. And we met May there who was working and looking after some special breed of pussy cats just at the entrance of the zoo. =) It was really cool coz its the first time these good friends of mine come together. And I have to thank God once again for Adel. Due to her hospitable nature she can get along with pretty much all of my friends. She's just this one good friend of mine who has pretty much seen all of my good friends! Chew has too ofcoz. I always thought it'd be cool to converge my friends who tends to be scattered. Its like they all come in at different points of my life and I think I'm better at maintaining individual conversations. Groupies and cliques are just too impersonal for me. Ok. So it rained that day but we spent an entire day looking at the animals. All of them. We were walking in ponchos, with the raindrops comfortably settling on our skin, with us a little less comfortably dragging on slippers that foamed bubbles upon each step...(only mine actually)

And I would like to declare that the HORSE is now my fave animal. =) Those mesmerizing eyes and sturdy physic just so did it for me. I could potentially be in a relationship with them. Their eyes speak. And Adel, they exude what u would call "slient confidence". Used to be the white tigers. But what's the use of adoring them when I can't get close to them. Not to mention their ability to devour me when they're hungry. Thats it. Back to analysing Starhub. Hope everyone elses heart is running free.


OnLy AfteR  

Thoughts

A scrawny teenage boy stands alone before the train track with a backpack. He over burdens his shoulders and arms with huge plastic bags full of groceries. You wonder in your heart how he got himself into this scene, this place, on a saturday morning. Why he is the only one doing it. His forlorn expression makes you want to go up and help him, talk to him, ask him.

An acquaintance passes you by, just when you intend to discount her existence she retraces her steps to say hi. At that immediate moment as you look at the shape of her mouth and the sound registers in your head, you find yourself recoil. You went along anyway. Ask her as many questions as she wants to answer. Oh really. Thats good. Uhuh. You take out your cd player and re-immerse yourself into where u orginally were. Despite yourself you wish you were less condescending.

AFter sometime, you need to bless urself with the disposition of ignoring problems. Make it second nature to forget to think. No use recognizing it if there is no obvious solution. Sooth your sorry mind. Use your heart and not your mind. A heart aint meant to deal with problems. A heart feels. Feels and than act. And thats what u should do. Forget about thoughts. Don't even think. Just feel. Feel. Feel. Try it. Try it for once. But ofcoz. I forgot. I forgot that you can't.

"It is the spectator, and not life, that art really mirrors. Diversity of opinion about a work of art shows that the work is new, complex, and vital. When critics disagree, the artist is in accord with himself. We can forgive a man for making a useful thing as long as he does not admire it. The only excuse for making a useless thing is that one admires it intensely.

All art is quite useless." --- Oscar Wilde

Dreams Tell

Make me stop dreaming about being chased.

In tdy's I was a thief. I was a skinny man, and I stole jewerelly. I hope it was for my gurl or sth. Hell I was being chased by this fat guy. It was set in the flea markets in the olden days...U know like those charmed gurls who return to some age and wore sexy custumes? Just the setting though, din remember seeing no sexy gurls. So I stole some shit and held them in my hands, I quickened my pace, walking to god knows where. But the fat guy catches up and then boom!~ The scene changed. I was escaping through this HDB style flight of stairs that ought not to be there in my previous setting. So I ran furiously up the stairs, AFter each level I had to push open a door which lead me to another. Only when I reached the highest level it lead to nowwhere and the fat guy was coming up, and there was this open space of some sort where I plunged his body down.....

iNdECeNT ObsEssiON

I dunno abt u but I think thats the ONE TRUE THING that keeps u going in life. Everybody has one. Just depends on the degree of indecency associated with it.

So I remember. In your teens you worshipped people. U watched Titanic three times coz Leonardo Dicaprio was the King of the world.

Seniors. In a gurl school you dun have boys to drool over. Was a different thing all together. School was just the backdrop. MAn the main thing was the chance to look at that drop dead cool or gorgeous gurl!~ U get one eye contact and u're smiling non-stop to your vandalised table. You pour your heart out on one piece of scented writing paper, attach some chocolates, add some hugs and kisses, fold it into a heart, drop it in the letter box outside her class during recess so she doesn't see your stupid face, and wait in anticipation for her letter. =) Awesome...The funny thing is...now that I said all that, it didn't seem so indecent, you know, worshipping seniors. Hur. Ofcoz some pple were crazy. REal crazy.

Now Now. I dunno what made me think of that but you know, I miss that alot.

Right. So what's your indecent obession? The worse I can come up with is Porn.

Did you know, that the very first romantic novalists had to suffer very serious oppositions about the stuff they wrote? They were accused of putting indecent ideas and fantasies into the minds of common people. Their words were said to be dangerous for our minds and bodies, and encourages undesired individualism in people. Hur! If it true, bless the poor souls of teenage gurls who read nothing but romantic novels!

Left. Stupid malay ticket person asked if I was above 16 when we watched The NoteBook tdy. Ought to be slapped. Well well, plot was hopelessly cliched but nevertheless enlightening for any gurl who finds herself in a situation having to choose one guy for another. And yes, on second thoughts, Romantic novels and movies ought to be banned. Poems should nevertheless, be welcomed by all. =)

Chic Lit

"Every morning I lay on the floor in the front parlour watching her door. When she came out on the doorstep my heart leaped. I ran to the hall, seized my books and followed her. I kept her brown figure always in my eye and, when we came near the point at which our ways diverged, I quickened my pace and passed her. This happened morning after morning, I had never spoken to her, except for a few casual words, and yet her name was like a summons to all my follish blood.

Her image accompanied me even in places the most hostile to romance. On saturday evenings when my aunt went marketing I had to go to carry some of the parcels. We walked through the flaring streets, jostled by drunken men and bargaining women, amid the curses of labourers. These noises converged in a single sensation of life for me: I imagined that I bore my chalice safely through a throng of foes. Her name sprang to my lips at moments in strange prayers and praises which I myself did not understand. My eyes were often full of tears(I could not tell why) and at times a flood from my heart seemed to pour itself out into my bosom. I thought little of the future. I did not know whether I would ever speak to her or not, if I spoke to her, how I could tell her of my confused adoration. But my body was like a harp and her words and gestures were like fingers running upon the wires.

I could not call my wandering thoughts together. I had hardly any patience with the serious work of life which , now that it stood between me and my desire, seemed to me child's play, ugly monotonous child's play... "

I read this short story during my useless lecture. It reminds me so much of Great Expectations. Din catch a fucking wink last night. Fact is I've been sleeping for 3 damn days. I see little reason why u should plan coz plans flop. Flip. Flop. Plans flopped thats why weekend was crap. Monday, today, was far better.

I seem to be the only one who progressed the most in terms of readin my victorian lit text. I am quite sure I once lived in those times. Where pple spent their entire lifetime being verbose, writing letters all the damn time.

High

Feeding on the runner's high
The illusion that life's fine
And then the spirit fades
And the illusion dies

U witness how the human race crumble sometimes
How are you suppose to have faith in the pple u meet in ur life
Until u prove me wrong and I let u inside
I'll put u on the pedestal...
Till u turn around and prove me right

Fireworks

I watched the fireworks tonight.
They were so close I thought they were gonna hurt my eyes.
So pretty I thought they'd make me cry.
I'll tell God to make them the last thing u see before u die.

Congregation of peeps

So so so (why am i always using this word?)...for the past two days I have been meeting up with groups of pple whom I havent seen in a while. Like Friday was with 2 of my juniors from crescent, and wei wei and Suria. Kai(junior) just returned from London. She sounds like she has been flying non-stop!~ Which is so different from the life we seem to lead here. Stagnant at one spot. Ok. So there we were think its the first time we actually congregate. Ha. Not counting that time we sent her off coz that time we didn't have the chance to sit and talk. BUt well. Turned out to be pretty interesting. I mean, I get the chance to re-accquaint with Suria, and I get to hear abt Kai Leng's life. Heh heh. Awesome la, when she told us abt her guy friend who has the tendency to screw up. Yet he keeps trying to tell her "Don't worry! Everything is under control!" hahahahah Can u believe it? He's a DSTA scholar too? I am gonna adopt that Motto in life too lah. Sometimes I think the only reason why pple r still confidently alive, and that good things sometimes still happen to em, is coz of their innate ability to assure emselves that everything's fine. And i think I must have lost that ability somewhere along the line. I gotta get that back. Instead of constantly thinking that i'm so gonna die. heh. Now i say....

Suria-wei's teammate, stupid malay good badminton player. You'd recall ur inability to talk to her in school coz of her stay-away-coz-u-aint-cool facade. Not to mention that piercing pair of eyes, having the ability to make every word that comes out of my mouth sound dumb. Guess it worked then. U know. The cool pple gets the most attention. Girls in girl school talk waaay too much. I dunno. Now its kinda different. But well. If she watches OC then she's my gurl.

SATURDAY-Sharon Yong's surprise b-day party. Can't believe it actually worked. BUt she din cry or anything, in fact there was more laughter. So glad I called Leenu or it'd be plain boring. Her lameness was up to a whole new level, when she's with pple she havent seen in years. And I realised, that she's just one of the few pple whom I can totally be bumb with. I mean. We can be so dumb together that it rocks. I'm tired of trying to prove that I'm not dumb. So from now I'm gonna take pride for being not-so-smart. =)

Why is it that my entries are always lengthy? Ok... I'm gonna watch the second half of Spirited away now. The movie rocks. And and aND. Leenu!!! I'm not sure abt Depp's Secret Window man. U know what the review says? --- expect alot of cheap scares. What the ...

ART

Am most regretful to say that I am a little different now. My bloggin mood has seemingly subsided, or rather it has shifted to a different mode. Blame school. It takes a toll on ur existence. Am ashamed to feel this way ofcoz. After all that life-is-too-short-to-worry-abt-school talk. Yet it happens. Like how ur head refuses to feel light again once u place ur foot in school. How I get motion sickness now when I travel to school? Damn hall convenience. I didn't anticipate its tribulations. (Was lamenting this to Adel when she remained in disbelieve and showed no signs of sympathy whatsoever)

Ok main point--COLLATERAL. I need to tell u abt this. Not my usual kinda movie. U know, just two guys in the poster aint my idea of good marketing. Plus it seems like the theme is just purely criminal related. Guy stuff. There's only one gurl in the movie. And I'm too used to watching movies revolving ard that cliched love theme that I'm not comfortable with its seeming inexistence. But sitting directly behind Timothy Goh did pump up the excitement level a bit. Heh. As if the movie needed that.

You know that feeling you get from some movies. You watch it and its so in your head u wanna immerse in it somemore, go through the scenes again. You don't wanna miss out anything that the director intended to put across. Otherwise ur experience won't be complete. You waste ur time and money. Only this case it was free. (cheers leen)
I always have this lame desire to be able to come out of a movie changed. But the effect a movie has on you can only last that long. You leave the cinema and u're no longer in it. And I doubt most audiences reflect on a movie much. Most audiences want entertainment. Not additional answer-less questions. But I doubt the point of this movie was to entertain.

On the surface its one of those criminal stories. A dutiful african american taxi driver, one who takes pride in what he does, even though it might not be what he wants to do. He is one of those pple who believes in the goodness of humanity. That is...until his next passenger Tom Cruise comes along and challenges his perspective. A professional killer he is. He forces the black guy to be his collateral, mainly drive him to each destination, killing witnesses who will testify against his client. There, in their journey, the history of each character is revealed to us. And their conversations dig into the deeper meaning of our living, its brevity, our meaningless pursuits and Tom Cruise's insanity. =) heh. I'm not gonna continue coz I don't wanna do harm to their box office performance. Just go watch it.
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" Great writers do not write about their lives. They write for escapism, not for egoism."

Monday. School. Blue. Light Blue.

Just got woken by a call. Heh. Its better to wake up to a voice than to an alarm. Am not a good conversatonalist. Not when I'm awake, not when I just woke.

So it's school now eh!~ You just get used to that take-it-easy mode and then vOOOsh School starts and then u get in gear. Suffered from serious worrying. Worry. worry. worry. Sin. Sin. Sin. Apparently when u worry, doubt, feel bad abt urself, u SIN. uh huh. Take that.

I gotta leave my house soon which means i gotta rush this.

Monday. Monday = go-and-die day. heh my friend said that. Coz its the most packed day man. 7 hours straight of lessons? No lunch break.

1030-1230am
So my morning started pretty bad. Coz I dunno. Dun haf a good feeling abt this subject with this class with that tutor. He intimidates me. He makes me feel like an ant. So whenever i say sth in claSS i shrink. Ya know. Yeah. Not an ego boosting tutor. And it hits me that I must make my tutee feel so small sometimes. Mental note to change that. Group dynamics is pretty sucky too man. I mean. Dun wanna say it here coz I'm trying to accept the fact that some pple are just. Not like me. Yeah. =)

1230-230pm
Ooooooo enters new class, familar faces!~ Whoo hoo and compares time table.

"Oh ur monday is a can-die-day too!~ " says my amusing fren.

"Yeah!~ but I revive on tuesdays and fridays coz i have no school!~ "

Its cool la my timetable. Die and reborn. How cool is that!~ yeah but the indian (leenu - Indians are a lil weird) tutor split us into random groups. I get into another group where..well there's just one pretty cool guy, and some gurls who are once again... not like me. Yeah. =) Cool nonetheless.

230-430pm
Rushes to lecture in superb speed and grabs pie apple. I mean apple pie for me and adel. (adel sucks) She made me eat apple pie for lunch!?~? I felt lardy. (means lard infused) Adel, next week I am packing -RICE- into the lect hall man. Ok maybe not huh. Talks to Jun Lynn and Zhe xuan to complain abt pain infused life. Felt recharged after that.

430-530pm
Met my sec sch friends along my way to last class. They were still cheerful and stuff. Despite the fact that we ought not to be. For we have grown up and sorrow has become our lives. Ok pardon me. They asked if I wanna go back Crescent to eat. Heh. Just might. Miss food there. Miss yellow uniforms.

So my first lit tutorial and the teacher is balding and aint too handsome. Thats not my point ofcoz. Coz he is ang mor and when he spoke I forgot my first thought. Had a discussion abt a short story. Notice that the class is filled with gurls. Only one guy. I cringe at some of the things fellow tutorial mates say. How can they be so ...not like me!~ ha okie Seriously. I felt the smartest here. Despite my head being quite heavy after 6 hours of lessons. The entire day of doing bullshit and finally something I like. =) I've gotta learn how to listen to pple's point of view in a mature fashion though.

On the way home I saw a gurl. Or rather I was trying to see if he was a gurl. I know it sucks to stare but i kept looking until i could ascertain it was a she. Guy clothes. Guy bag. But there. Slender fingers and toes. A girl. Pleased with my affirmation, I went home. Tired but definitely fulfilled.

Am gonna make it a point not to make tuition kid feel small. Ever.

.

Sometimes my view is so myopic I need to kick myself.