dessertS

It's so bad I couldn't sleep last night. I ended up singing songs of worship in my heart. Hoping the anxiety won't break me apart. Just when I thought I lost some consciousness the party down the park got started. They blew up a huge balloon house, house balloon, whatever u call it. And kids from all over came to jump on it. At fucking 8am. And there was the loud speaker that they so had to use.

I realised it has been a week since I last updated.

So I just spent 7 hours doing journal entries in the study room at the community centre. I've been a good girl. Pray let me do well. Please.

My holidays went boom. Fun. Work. Work. Musuem. Work. Zouk. Work. Quiz. It's unfair. Coz when I had fun I was too busy to tell u all abt it. I suppose I won't be in a very good state till friday. When my two presentations end. Yet...I constantly think abt this particular course mate that I got to know this sem. She was one of my group mates for this presentation and she had two presentations on that very same day. And they were pretty tough seminars...AND she lives in Pasir Ris (my school is Boon Lay!~?) and she has tuition obligations on those same days that she was cramping for the presentations. She didn't even whine one bit when she was discussing with us. She was so professional I adore her.

I am so ashamed for whinning all the time, and I do so look forward to the day when I can be cool about stuff. Or at least try.

Happy little things

1. On Wednesday my Yoga instructor said I was flexible. "Zann u can do away with the belt coz you are flexible enough." I know!!!!

2. On Friday Ying msg-es me in the morning to tell me she thought of me lovingly. =)Its just one of those ironic things... Msg-es from Candice = 0

I have lots more to say really. Yet now isnt the right time for me to say them.

Oh Bi, AdeL has these Karaoke vouchers and she wanna ask u and serene along to sing...coz u always drive her home. She's been wanting to thank you. I know! Such a nag. =P

So I guess I'll leave u with this for now. I'll be rite back. =L

Sorrow is a fruit. God doesn't make it grow on limbs too weak to bear it.

Yuan

I've got flowers
They rest on red
The red on my fingers

Flowers on my fingers. I've got flowers on my fingers. =)

My aunt who's single and 60 once rendered me ridiculous that I should refrain from painting my nails. I cannot live without painting my nails, she says. Since the age of 18 she has been faithfully painting her nails. I thought then we belong to a different breed of gurls.

Ah... apparently, girls will be girls. Even. Even if you don't wear a skirt.

I love my gurls.

We rocked yesterday. We were at Peishi's. To me, she belongs to tt breed of gurls who epitomizes patience. Yeah...that nursing quality kind of gurl. Nasty pple will take advantage of her goodness.
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The Yu-sheng goes up and she goes..."May we have peace and wealth!" And we go..."Yeah!" And the Salmon gets tossed way up and she goes "May money fall from trees!" And once again in unison "YEAH!"

"May good men fall like rain from the skies!"
"May we all lose 10 kg in a month!" Muah hahahahahah. Thats Leenu for u. My only Indian chum. Utterly hilarious. Hopelessly embarassing.

I dunno what I shall become when she finds the one and gets married to India. Do u think I should pack up and go too? I'd be the second wife. I'd wash the dishes. I'd do Yoga in the bush.

She's just one of those few pple whom I can talk to without explaining myself. Who gets me just from a look on my face. Who talks movies with me in detail everytime we come out of one. I can tell her the silly things I've done and somehow not feel less silly when she laughs at my expense.
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I mastered the hula hoop yesterday. Well. The hoop had water in it. But still. Isnt that awesome. I use to can't do it. ha. used to cant do it. Watch the hoop turn round and round your upper torso. I din know it took so little effort.

Thank you for yesterday. I am so gonna buy one of those nail art sets. I'd do it for u if u'd ask. Yeah 5 bucks. No kidding. And Sharon, I am not trashy. I am a woman of much class and substance. And I'd like to remind everyone that laughing at the expense of someone else is lowly and truely trashy.

Did u know that crabs have no feelings coz they have no nerves? yeah. Leenu said. I dunno man. And she said that snakes are actually blind. ok.

Pink roses don't die pretty.
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It's funny. I know. Again it is
You tell me you miss her like I care
And no. I wont discourage you from doing what you already know u'd do
Act on it if you wish
I promise I shant say I told u so
I won't even call u stupid
Do it
Do it if you're cold enough

Apparently you arent. Why don't you eat more ice-cream.

sdfbsdlkjvfguisd

I feel like a piece of shit now. No, its not because its friday and I'm too tired to go out. No, not because even if we went to the beach it'd be raining. No....not because the break is coming and I gotta do projects. No, not because I have offended my brother once again while I was in the process of being me. No. I dunno what it is.

Just.

No, I'm not pms-ing either. Ah...could it be because I've been trying for days to d/l Joss Stone's Spoiled and every single version I d/l-ed couldnt be played? Could it be?
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"My conclusion after my brief contemplation is that vibes are worth nothing except for the temporary feel-good sensation. Why? Because once the vibes end, you are left wondering if it happened for a reason, or if something really did happen at all. In other words, it felt as if you had something going on, but you wonder: Was something really going on? And why?"

Vibes. ha. That was from Hirman's blog. I love him sometimes. He's the only one that makes sense. Makes me so ashamed of being how I am that I'm inspired to be a better person. You should read him. Not that ur not a good person or anything....

You're sending all the wrong vibes.

I have this theory that if one's entry doesnt evoke any emotions that are worth evoking, one shouldnt write at all. In other words, you shouldnt have to read sth that makes u feel nothing, and instead leaves u somewhat empty....

My fren tells me I write multi-dimensionally. Whatever that means. It's as though I seek to confuse. Thats all I aim to do. I love you confused. I love you empty.

This book I am still reading(I like to take my time)...Book of Evidence. Its getting shitty. He just killed this gurl with a hammer. He marvels at how the hammer doesnt make a strong hard thud when it hit someone's head. He wonders why the sound is soft. He wonders why the blood looks the way it does on the window pane...he wonders how he did what he did. Man...nowadays I don't see the point anymore. Why do I have to read these things that makes me feel......I don't even know what I feel.

When I was 16 I read the book Being Happy by Andrew Matthews. I remember coz he came to our school and did his illustrations on the spot. He was great. I applied what he said for a year I guess. I was super happy. The point is....I read the book again almost every year. And it still makes sense ofcoz. The only problem is I need to read it as though its the first time I'm reading it, otherwise it doesnt work.

BTW. AdeL will so cringe at this but Siwen told me she like reading my blog. I believe her ofcoz. =) Thanks babe. That kinda made my day.

I welcome you.
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"It links...the story. The extremities of the products of society. You have to seek a balance. The way you perceive the world directly affects your actions. What you do, how you feel, how you think. What you want out of this world. It's sad, the way Tom Cruise died. But there wasnt any other way I guess. He wasnt worthy of the world...."

I was just reading my Movie Diary last night. I wrote that piece of crap. Don't you ,no, Did you ever re-read sth you wrote previously and wonder how you could reach that conclusion and how you could actually be in that frame of mind? How can I possibly have so much thoughts after one 2 hour movie? How wonderful is that? Only the wonderful thing isnt me but the movie. You probably wont know what I'm sayin if you din watch Collateral.

I guess I needed to remind myself that I do know things. I know....that how I perceived the world reflects on my actions....and then it gets reflected on the results. . .

Okay. great. you feel slightly empty now? No? I still feel like a POS. I am gonna take a doze of that jogging.

-9pm-
Its funny how when u're in a state of delirium, you find yourself wanting to express your love to everyone and everything. For me I reach that state ocassionally after overcoming that huge wall of inertia that greets me ever so lightly after every 3km of jogging. It has been that way since ... since ... since when I was in hall. And today I kinda overcame that with the help of some cool dude jogging like he's riding on the wind. I had to tail behind him. =P So I let the sweat take over me. Drip. Drip. Drip.

Maybe its really only possible to love sb when you love urself. When ur happy...

I'm suddenly excited abt everything. The 9 pm show, the FYP meeting tmr, the date with Mich, the steamboat gathering with my sec sch frens, church on sunday, meeting for project on tuesday, exhibition with Jo on wed....I dunno how it does it. Jogging.

O. Mich wants to get a tatoo to celebrate her new lease of life. I wonder if I'd ever get one. Think I might, if I fall in love with the design and HAD to own it. Or. I happen to design sth awesome one fine day. But where will it be? Ankle? No. Too painful. Back of my neck? No. Too obvious when hair is tied. Could ruin my professional image. Hip bone? Wait. Do I have a hip bone?

Its funny how we do things like this to get that re-borned feeling. That new lease of life. AdeL tells me to do my hair so that I'd be happier. Its true ofcoz. I know. But its sick and deeply crooked if you think abt it. To need to do sth externally to make self feel good suddenly. Only shows how very warped our attainment of happiness is.

ANyway. Before I forget, I just wanna thank God for allowin me to be chubby. Allowing. Its a privilege really. If I weren't I'd probably not jog as often as I do. If I werent I'd probably not be as cute as I am.
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My bro asked me the meaning of irony during the first day of chinese new year. We were on the train... he was standing as far away from my mum as he could so that she won't scream his name when she spot any empty seats. Its embarassing. I should know.

Irony. Suddenly I din know how to explain it to him. Everything is ironic. The fact that we have to get away from our mum when we originated straight from her womb. The fact that she sacrificed so much for the family and yet we can't tell her we love it. The fact that his volleyball coach who could run 10km without effort died of cancer at 56...

I asked him to go listen to the song by Alanis Morissette.

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
And isn't it ironic...dontcha think

Write it on your heart

This one's for you...
If you're weary and sad, losing faith and bounded by your sight.

~wRiTe iT oN yOUr HeArT~

...that everyday is the best day in the year.
He is rich who owns the day and
no one who owns the day
will allow it to be invaded with fret and anxiety.
Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities,
no doubt, crept in.
Forget them as soon as you can,
tomorrow is a new day; begin it serenely,
with too high a spirit to be cumbered
with your old nonsense.
This new day is too dear, with its hopes and invitations,
to waste a moment on the yesterdays.

Ralph Waldo Emergon

Not for all the love in the world

Some days it becomes clearer than ever
I see now why you did what you did
Justify what people thought as your stupidity
I know you're rendering them insensitive

Sometimes I see
The chains of smoke you puffed
Chunks of food you stuffed
In me
The drug
The blood
I'm sorry that you're angry
They lost your fight
Inner demons, they come out at night

Some days the line gets increasingly thin
So thin the divide doesn't exist
They can't blame you for losing it
You needed it to be subdued

Nothing's wrong now
Everything's right now
So the chapter closes
And I'm here, unscathed

Happy Misery

Hey! What do u wanna hear first? The happy, or the misery? I don't think there's a distinction anymore though. Its exactly what it is - Happy misery. =)

Ok. I have to tell u about my New Year eh? You'd be expecting that. So. Yeah. Suffice to say that sometimes I wish people ate their words instead of say them. Don't judge me. Its the way u'd get if the only thing ur cousin is ever interested in is how much you weigh. My mum said u lost weight but I don't see it! Oh you better not put that in your mouth. I can though, coz I desperately wanna gain weight. I tried everything! Work out, cheese cakes, milk, supper every night...doesnt work! Oh I feel so sorry for you. I told him he'd be one of those skinny pple who get diabeties and black out in the middle of having sex. Ok I din say the sex part but I thought it. And you dare ask me why I give boys such a hard time. I have shitty cousins. Some.

You probably think me uncouth and sucky. But I learnt...(but i'll prolly forget) that I should love that I suck. And just suck with style. (sounds so wrong) Seriously, one needs to recognize the fact that one suck, and bask in it. Bask in that suckiness you so perfected. I ask you to love my imperfections. I am not sorry that I suck.

Thats a whole lot of crap I got from Keeping the Faith. I din know they had tuesday with morrie way back then...its cool how I got to know it. Its cool how many pple I've told to read it. Its cool. I'm cool.
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Did you know that u're not suppose to give footwear as presents? Yeah...no slippers, no sneakers, no whatever. They'd walk away from you. So May says.

She told me sth yesterday that made her back on the coolest frens list. She had to do this 3 minute speech about anything for communications class, and she told the entire class that she is a lesbian and yadayada. =) So her Shanghai tutor who studied in US told her he's totally cool with that and even compared lesbians in US with those in Singapore. AND, this slightly introverted gurl in her class who's supposedly not-straight-and-kinda-shy-about-it came up to her and said:"I'm a lesbian too!" Aww....

Ofcoz...then she had to tell me sth she did that was so stupid.... I had to laugh. Not gonna give u the privilege to laugh at her expense though. =)

When I was in sec 2 I had the biggest gift I was ever gonna get. May gave me a big Winnie the Pooh bear. Ha. Big is good. So that everyone would know ur loved. But I don't hug it enuff. I wrap it up in transparent plastic paper and leave it sitting there. It looks brand new. Even now. I forgot to show it to May yesterday when she dropped by. Look! Its still brand new! I'm sure hers was like crap. Dirtied with everyday hugs and kisses. Thats why she threw it away last week.

I din know that if you left things as they are, untouched, you'd never get the chance to throw them away.
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I went to Ikea and bought a whole lot of shit. I swear the trolly was about to burst. Everytime I'm there I start fantasizing about the room that I so do not have or the house that I so do not own....such that I proceed to make my reality a little closer to fantasy by purchasing in bulk. I play pretend. Pretend I'm this rich person having an empty house to fill. O..this CD rack is perfect, this painting exquisite, this table lamp sexy, this bedsheet defines me.....yadayadayada. I dunno man. Does it happen to you? If it does then Ikea did it.
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I bought CLEO and FIRST magazine. I have to tell u that I shall never buy CLEO again. And that FIRST magazine is one of the coolest shit in town. Look what they wrote abt Bad Education : There's really nothing quite as entertaining as seeing pple sucked down into a whirlpool of sin, and in Bad Education there's an awful lot of sucking going on. There.

Its come to a point where anyone that means sth to me knows abt my affair with blogging. Some choose not to read it ofcoz. Only people with nothing better to do with their hands blog. Its like when u read it u have to deal with another part of me that is really like an irrelevant and useless piece of information that u can so do without.

Ok. I suddenly dun feel like saying anything. Night you.

Too wonderful to comprehend

1. 3/4 sleeved Dorothy Perkins Green top $23
2. Faded top shop jeans @ 40% discount $56
3. Off shoulder brown fake ripcurl top $14.90
4. Funky off white shorts $29
5. Green checkered PJ $16

Thats $138.90 for ya. Within 3 days. I actually did not need to engage in any mad rush to buy new year clothes. (unlike my bro) Simply coz I have been buying new clothes throughout the entire year! And despite that, I still bought clothes!~!~ Yea, I know. We need clothes. Clothes, they need us. Ok I do not know what I'm saying.

I have so many things I wanna tell u I'm afraid ur gonna not read everything. Even if u do read everything, my days are so wonderful u wouldnt even comprehend.

On sunday Jo subsidized half of my purchase of church's worship CD, simply coz she loves me. I know. You must be wondering if I'm lying right now. I'm not. She said it herself. =P When you love someone you say it. Then you'd know. For sure. =)

On monday I met Chew for our very first swim. The bukit batok swimming pool is quite fantastic really. =) She tells me everything abt Shanghai. =) The cold. The lonely. The spitting. The beggars. The funny-cute house-mate. The non-existence English songs. The fact that the only english movies they're showing there is Polar Express and Anaconda 2. The impossibility of squeezing out of the morning train rides. How her fren finally pulls her out and then discovers that her bag is still back in there. Its good to have u back. =)

She tells me relationships take a toil on us. She tells me men can be so insensitive. That's why you should be a lesbian, she says. =) Seirye said something like that some weeks back.

So u think. Androgyny. Alternative lifestyle.

Maybe I didnt use to believe it. I couldnt take it seriously. You obviously din know what u were doing. It misleads. Did you even know u did? I so know your kind. I feel ur species should be locked up in cages. Roam around only in limited spaces. Stay away from all my areas.

Leenu tells me that from her observation I will so not get married to a chinese guy. Yay. Awesome. I'm lucky she even thinks I might get married.
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Monday 9.35pm --- Bad Education

The movie was elusive. Its as though I havent got enough in me to appreciate its intentions. If Almodovar even had any. Was it just to let us into ur part autobiography? To what extent was it true? I cant explain why I din really like it. It all felt so disturbingly tragic. SOmetimes it was funny tragic. I'm glad we caught it though. It was the last day of screening.

I've learnt never to act on lust.

I wonder if a critic seeks some background knowledge about the artist before judging the art.

I think I so cannot be a critic. At the end of the day all I care abt is whether Juan loved any portion of Enrique. Whether Enrique would have deserted everything for a life with Ignacio. Thats too personal aint it. I need to talk about someone's performance as an actor, the cinematography, the way the camera lingers at some angle for some shots, the movie-in-a-movie overlapping narratives.

I wish someday u'd write an autobiography. I'd know how much of you you really gave to me.

Bi sent me home and talked a lil abt grandmas and doctors. Isnt it scary? Never place ur faith in doctors. As she was talking...I had to think for abt a minute...I had forgotten whether my granny was still alive. I know what ur thinking. Its not it.

May's nanny is in the hosp. I managed to say the right words to make her smile that day. I really do think I am a genius, sometimes.
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Tuesday 1.40pm -- Constantine

" I know I'm not one of your favorites, and I'm not welcomed to your house. But I could use a little attention. Please. "

Aww...it's painful how affecting he can be, without even trying. It's as though he's telling u through his eyes, that he has secrets that you'd die for, those same ones that he'd die with.

That's the way isnt it? The more you hide, the more I seek.

6.00pm

I'm lying on bed, trying to create the illusion that I've napped. I havent, ofcoz, thanks to having the pleasant chore of picking out clothes for my brother. At his age he really doesnt think he needs clothes. Clothes. He doesnt have many. So everytime I pick up sth nice he goes: No!~ I'm NOT Seth Cohen.(from OC) I love stripes. I loved you in them. Lucky for him he fits in almost everything. Its scary how your not the only one who thinks him good lookin.

He got pissed with us coz we waited for the car at the wrong side of Great World City. Oh father, won't you give it a rest already. You made the entire family kan-cheong spiders. I turn every word u said to a blah. =P

Bro tells me he stole some 10 bucks worth of cards when he was 10. Impressive stuff duncha think? I wish I could tell him I was one of those gurls who would hug Eeyore right out of the Disney store at Taka. But yea. The only thing I ever stole was a rubber from my primary school classmate's pencil case.

Thats abt as bad as it gets. I cant help it. I'm good.

Happy Chinese New Year u guys. Like, make some real meaningful small talk yea? I wonder if i can wear shorts to bai nian. I mean. The weather is brutally hot duncha think?

THE BOOK OF EVIDENCE

The sky before us was a smear of crimson on the palest of pale blue and silvery green. I held my face up to the calm sea-light, entranced, expectant, grinning like a loon. I confess I was not entirely sober. It was not just the drink though, that was making me happy, but the tenderness of things, the simple goodness of the world. I have never really got used to being on this earth. Sometimes I think our presence here is due to a cosmic blunder, that we were meant for another planet altogether, with other arrangements, and other laws, and other grimmer skies. I try to imagine it, our true place, off on the far side of the galaxy, whirling and whirling. And the ones who were meant for here, are they out there, baffled and homesick, like us? No, they would have become extinct long ago. How could they survive, these gentle earthlings, in a world that was made to contain us? ---John Banville

This book I'm reading for my lit.. This guy killed a man without any particular reason. He doesnt have anything against him. And he's on trial for murder, with everyone thinking that he must be mad. But he wasnt. The more he speaks the more you think he makes so much sense. He committed murder simply because he could.

Ah. I told May about it and it was the first time she thought something I read was cool. So I thought I'd tell u. Now that it's done I'm getting right back into it then.

S i l l y

4 fags.

I wonder if I can sue her if I happen to get lung cancer from passive smoking.

I can't tell u how my day went coz the-gurl-who-smoke-cigarettes-for-breakfast doesnt want me to. Heh. It's rude la. To write about ur friend like she's something for display...Or is it?

I dunno. But I need to tell u this. We agreed that I shall have the right to read her journals before either one of us dies. =) Am so excited. Even makes me look forward to . . Hmmm but she din say she wanted to read mine. Oh well.

She made me talk so much I dun think I'd be able to sleep now. Too. Tired. And I have no pills to pop. Sleeping pills. Anxiety pills. No haf.

=) I am so tempted to re-type this entry. But I can't. Pple will read this. So I'm just gonna say I enjoyed myself last night. I deserved it. Like I havent been to town for 3 long weeks. Man I love walking. And I love Borders and HMV...And I really wanna buy all the CDs....Do I sound 16?

Oooooo and u ever passed by this small open space in town and see pple flying kites? Like using a remote control? It can fly sky high! Am so enthralled by it. =P It has these lights on them that makes them look awww so preetee.

You know how sometimes u read someone's blog and feel like u play this little part in their lives? You share a little of their secrets...share a little of their bad and good times. And you think its cool coz u feel u actually know them better that way. And then that someone suddenly decides to stop writting. Shift blogs, or whatever. And then u go..... =( So sad. You've been deserted.

I dunno if I shall ever stop writing and desert you. But if I do you'd have to come rescue me. Either means I've lost it, or I've stopped trying. But u'd probably be the one deserting me.

Will somebody tell me if Scissors sisters are really hot gurls who sound like men?
I so love Take your mama. =O

I re-read my last entry and realized there were so many grammer mistakes.
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Silly

You gave me a ring
And told me it doesnt mean anything
You just bought it coz you thought it was pretty

I slid it through my finger
Trap me

I wrote you a song
And told you it doesnt mean anything
I titled it this
Don't put your heart in it

You look a picture of disbelieve
Now the ball's back in your court
Why don't you do something about it?

And then
You had to say the three
forbidden
words.

I think of time dangling from
A paper clip.
I think of pigeons flying from a
roof.
I think of waves undulating from my feet.

"Oh silly."

I felt you bruise
like a peach.
Then I felt you pick up the ball
and put it back
in your pocket.

oooo
So now I've got no more balls to keep