The GurL wHo SmOKeS CiGAretteS foR breAkFasT

28th May was May's birthday =) GURL i wrote u sth. And she is so poor her internet connection got cut off. So she won't c this yet. =)

She smokes cigarettes for breakfast
In school she was the one who got expelled first

I couldn't do without her
With her around, everything's a deeper shade of grey
There's no need for us to even play safe
She doesn't care for things to be either black or white
What she hates most, is their superfluous need to be right

If cheating was a game, you wouldn't dare to play
With her around, she always gets her way
She smells spunk, she exudes style
Hey i love u coz i dunno who u are

She exposed me to paranoia, lived life in audacity
For lunch she ate insanity
She liked her dinner served with complexities

Her laughter was contagious
And I havent heard it in ages
I like it that she's so merry she's gay,
She cuts her fringe herself and I din dare tell her it looked like hay

What do u know
I like her coz she is May
I hope she forever stays
For no other someone can make me write her this way

Cora & Ray

THE thing Cora didn't understand about people like her friend Bud was how they could fall in love with the kind of people with whom you talk all the time about how you love each other so much. What Cora thought you had to discover was someone you could spend enormous amounts of time without disagreeing much, really enjoying that unarguable time together. That five-thirty at the beach sort of feeling all the time. She wanted to warm herself around him and tell stories, including one or two that took a risk, closed the deal, rang the bell. To see the sure thing softly staring from two eyes. To tell it until they were tender enough for spice.

Cora herself had no relationship with her dogs, couldn't bring herself to care deeply about them. This made her, in her mind, a not very good person. In a lot of ways, she didn't feel like a very good person, and she was not about to be conned into believing otherwise.

She felt ill-suited to the mystery of being in a relationship. Relationship - that silk purse turned sow's ear, a corridor you wandered too far down and discovered a door had silently closed somewhere far behind you.

She seemed innately proficient in the overlooked skill of letting people down. A world-class disappointer, she had made her way through the world letting men down without even trying. But when you are uniquely gifted, you are in some ways obligated to that gift.

wHiNniNgS

Monday morning
Sun's not shining
I have this weird feeling
like a school girl reluctant to be leaving

" School's rubbish and i want my mummy
Its not like we have no money
School's not even necessary."

Those times i cry buckets of tears
let them take over
Din care if I was being a baby
I was born to be needy!

Now I'm an whiny adult
no longer a cry baby
These times if u cry
You might as well roll over

And my! Life has seven ages
Why am i tracing back my paces?
Rite back to staring at the computer
I was born to be a fighter!

Its amazing how complicated simple is

Dear Diary

Watched COOKING tonight =) for free! But well... was bored at the first 10 minutes. Like what the hell r they doing. Hmm...i guess i gotta learn how to enjoy myself. Stop looking for meaning in each and every thing. The performance was so-so. And there was only 4 of them. But u gotta give them credit for trying. They are doing what they like doing. Whether i think its lame or not. And won me over they sure did, i found myself laughing at the simplest things. Its so hard to find that in me now as i grow older. Somehow i lost that part of me, that part who's not afraid to make a fool of urself to make others laugh. To be happy as long as u make others happy. At least the cast made me laugh...=) i wonder how long they would be doing this. It wasnt amazing but it was entertaining. I think only pple who's moto is to live life to have fun will ever persue a career in it. Its funny the things pple do for a living. And i realised pple have so limited perspectives. We live in a shell. And i am so guilty of it. The world's so much bigger than u know it to be. Ofcoz there is a little cute funny guy in the group who has muscles!!! Ok they all do la. =)

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
Isn't it ironic... don't you think

(chorus)
It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well, isn't this nice."
And isn't it ironic ... don't you think

(repeat chorus)

Well, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everthing blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic... don't you think
A little too ironic.. and yeah I really do think...

(repeat chorus)

Well, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
And life has a funny way of helping you out
Helping you out.

Ironic Alanis Morissette

~Missed Boats ~

Do you think there's sucha thing as missing the boat? I've always thought if its not meant to be then u can do everything and it still won't be it. My indian friend recently got involved with some match making. And it din turn out too well. Guy was insincere and all...made her and her family wait too long.

And as much as she knows he didn't behave like the way a prospective hubby should, she cant seem to forget him and how nice he was when they met...

" What if he's the one u know. Just that it wasn't the right time? And i've missed the boat?"

=( It used to be that for me there is no boat to miss. If u missed it then its not the one. As simple as that.

You'd wish.

Is there really just this one person for everyone of us? Or is there no such one? Did God give everyone someone? Did he mean for us to make wrong turns in order to find that someone? Man its confusing. Even more so then journal entries (i made 60 of them tdy) and payment vouchers and balance sheets and what not.

Say check out this line from my book!

"I sometimes think that my mother's true purpose in life, the only thing that gives her days meaning and her heart ease, is her ability to torture me in a manner as ancient and genteelly elaborate as lace making. "

TADA!

Seven Ages

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

HOOBaSTANK -- THE REASON

I've finally resolved my scepticism for blogging!

I was reading my friend's blog, and its my first time entering that blog, and it finally dawned on me that blogging isn't sth useless or a waste of time at all!!!! First and foremost it benefits u and heals ur soul when u get it out of ur system to let pple know what u're feeling. And second, when u read others' blog, u cant help but feel that we're all there together, we're all facing the same problems. Although its in different forms, i kinda find comfort in the fact that we're not alone. Ok duh as if u din know that already. But its amazing aint it? To feel sth and see someone articulate it exactly like how u felt it. I guess i've found THE REASON!!!!!!! haahahahaa

Well as much as i miss my diary entries, and would still like to have sth in my own hand writing to read before i die, i guess blogging does it's own magic. Thanks Talib!!!!! U started it in me. =)

p/s: Feeling like i am sun burnt right now, even though my last contact with the sun was yesterday morning. So its a warning guys!!! The sun is furious these days!!!! Beware!

You are but who u think u are

I cant believe that tdy's gone. Its times when u r working and doing the stuffs u have to do, that u put more emphasize on the quality of time spent everyday.

Ok not that blogging is sth i love but hey. How can i not blog my weekend. Coz thats the only time i am doing things i chose to do.

So...hi huishan!!! If u ever read this. =) Was the gurl's birthday party tdy. Honestly it was better than the last coz i had tv and sofa and nice cake and loads of presents and marcus!!! The boy i mentioned in my first few entries! Well....i guess he forgot abt me man but who cares! He was crazy tdy..playing and having fun. Its good to be young and carefree. Speaking of which. Stupid kids swimming tdy had no care whatsoever abt me trying to swim! I kicked a few of them in my attempt lar... hee hee damn. Its like the devil-may-care attitude when they are swimming and splashing. I was never like that as a kid. My dad said when i was young i was already acting reserved like an adult. Yuck. Hate kids who act like adults and arent carefree.

So...thats not the point of my entry. My friend was feelin a lil down tdy and i was trying to think of ways to console him. This doesnt link but there is a classmate of mine, whom pple think is probably the most screwed up person in class, in school, in whatever. Lets just say he is a lil different. He doesnt necessarily portray a good image. Ok he has like no image. And he has difficulty making friends coz u wouldnt wanna be near him or be associated with him if u wanna be accepted and perceived as cool. Pple make fun of him and his desire to prove himself as a good singer. Thing is he doesnt sing too well in my opinion...but he takes singing classes. From what i know he is very devoted and probably practices real hard. Like william hung!~ But he is less cute i would say...

Ok. point is. I never made an effort to talk to him or get to know him as a person throughout the 2 years that we've been classmates. I dun find any reason to. And i think he knows that, coz he doesnt talk to me. In fact i think pple diss him so much its easy to laugh at him and think he's weird. So i am indifferent to him. But he doesnt take it personally. In fact i think he enjoys the attention he gets when pple laugh at him. So tdy i had my first real conversation with him. I started it! Was sitting beside him so i decided to make the best out of it. And not be a bitch. So glad that i did coz it was funny. Ha. He told me he consulted his councillor in camp for advice on stress related matters at work in NS. Think he is a clerk. And his councillor told him the way to make his life better is to bootlick his colleagues! And tt's what he did! hahahahahaha I find it mildly amusing that i can be amused with him. =)

Was good.

So... its remarkable how he has so much more in his life compared to me. From the outside u probably think he is pathetic (being brutally honest). U probably wonder if he has any friends, friends that dun make fun of him and care for him.(which he does). But he is the greatest simply becoz he thinks so and knows so himself. He believes in himself so much, that it doesnt even matter when u and I dun c it. Its like the olympic games advertisement that i saw on tv recently. It was narrated by Andrea Bocelli, this blind tenor...it was sth like :" U can have the body, the strength, the talent but u still won't be successful as the strongest muscle u have is your heart." Sth like that i cant remember... but it's the same way this guy is. Everything that he doesnt have compared to the rest of the guys...i guess he compensates it with guts.

Its easy to say this - that life's about knowing what u want and being happy knowing you've tried ur best to achieve it. And to think of it, he is the one person who remains undeterred and consistent with his dream. Ultimately it doesnt even matter whether he gets into the Singapore Idol. (did i tell u he is auditioning?) He would still be happy knowing he tried. I guess for me a lot of times my dreams get forgotten and i've mastered the art of excuses to not see my desires fulfilled. Now i've come to this stage and i've deserted some stuff along the way. The more setbacks i have, the more afraid i become. The more i retreat, the more i lose the fight. But whatever it is, this entry aint abt me. =)

Not alot of pple are gonna be best friends with him but at the end of the day i guess his presence is felt and he made a difference to everyone who knew him. Including me.

Say you. Duncha wish u had his spirit?

There's no design for life

Watcha wanna be when u grow up?

Say... fourth day at work and i am zooming into a year later, looking past time and seeing myself in this place i won't wanna be if i had a choice. In case u dunno what i'm saying (which is happening alot more now as i lose my ability to articulate), i'd be graduating a yr later. And i'd be toss towards the sea of unknown...the deep deep sea with loads of creatures with different abilities to survive. Some cheat, some slack & haf it easy, some struggle, some get caught in the fisher man's web and never finds direction....which darn creature would i be?

According to my Dad (whom i think has an absolutely myopic view on life), life is basically abt making the right decisions. That involves choosing to study hard, so as to secure a good paying job, and to marry a damn good husband, buy a damn good house, and thats abt it. Actually to him, that's all there is to it. He never read any of my writings really. So if he ever sees this... in fact i hope he does. Coz i find it so hard to tell him what i think. He is not seeing where i'm coming from. And this gap we have is so darn deep we've buried ourselves in it, and it'd take so much to go back to where we started. I forgive u for not being the dad i wish u could be, and i pray u forgive me for not being the daughter u wish i would become.

I refuse to believe that life's about making the right choices. I know its abt making decisions. But we shouldnt be obsessed with choosing the right one. Tell me u agree with me. Tell me a single mother with an adopted child leads an equally fulfilling life as an obedient wife with 2 children and a loving husband. Tell me i can make any decisions i want and it'd lead me to where i wanna be. As long as i know where i wanna be.

Its a start =) coz i know where i dun wanna be. The more i live life the more i know myself and what i like and dun like. I'm more stubborn in a way, i'm less compromising. Ok i have never been compromising.

Thing is i am so scared to find out that what he said is true, that when my life is imperfect by the time i grow up, i'd look at those perceived perfect pple ard me and blame it on the decisions i made. My family taught it that way. You get so afraid of making mistakes that every step u take becomes a mistake in itself just becoz u're so unsure of you....

There...did u know that pple work 1/3 of their lives? Wow. How are we supposed to find meaning in living if we hate our jobs. God. Pray that i never ever stay in a job i hate.

I almost smell the staleness of working life...how its gonna be like if we lose sight.

I've been askin my friends this question : Whats the 5 things in life thats worth living for.

I know... that can be a dumb question. Life's a gift. And as long as u are alive, oughta be thankful and embrace it. It aint forever and the clock is ticking.

But its precisely becoz of the fact that it'd end that we must know what we're living for. Truth is, maybe we don't ever live for ourselves. What would i be without all the actors in my life. I can't act myself. In a way i live for u. We act in each other's play and together we make a difference in the ending of each play..... i hope i made urs good.

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances:
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages."

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
As You Like It

Yes Jo...i still have the bookmark u bought back from stratford =)

Choices

Life's far too short to be doing what u dun like.

But when there's an obligation to do it, treat it as a stepping stone to discover what u want ur life to be.

Am doing just that.

A blind man can see how much i love you

Thats the title of e book i'm readin now...its a compilation of short stories abt unconventional love. A mother coming to know tt her wonderful little gurl is a boy, a lesbian who just recovered from breast cancer stays ard when her married best fren (whom she has always held a torch for) gets it, the college boy who slept with his step mother the day after his father's funeral....

Its so funny the way i come across books.... it stares at me from the corner of my eye, i pick it up and fall in love with it. =) Thank you. Whoever thats making that happen to me. So, i'm abt to prepare to go to this birthday party. Who likes birthday parties? Who likes parties?! okie...sometimes its just like acting, u know, socializing. I have this strong feeling that i'm gonna be mildly schizophrenic when i grow old. Ok i'm running late!!!!!!!!! Chew is gonna slaughter me. BTw these are the facts i've learnt tdy!

The director of elephant was also the director of Good Will Hunting

River Phoenix died of drug overdose in Johnny Depp's night club Viper Room in 1993? ( He is gd looking!, was)

Chien - to describe someone with a bitchy, stylish appeal

Nite guys haf fun...My arse

If I aIn'T gOt YoU

Its 945 in the morning man.... i know!~ Woke up so i can go swimming but god's got greater plans. And thats to let the plants drink their full...=(

So i'll remain as i am, skin as pale as snow white....okokokk snow queen.

Rite. So i'm listening to alicia keys and i suddenly feel emotional. Though the notion is so cliche but the piano reaches me.....check this out.

If I aint got you

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

Some people search for a fountain
Promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love them
Hand me a world on a silver platter
And what good would it be?
No one to share, no one who truly cares for me

If I ain't got you with me baby
Nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me baby

I'm so glad i've got u with me!!!!! =)

E. sySteM. maDe. mE. aN. iNsOmNiaC

yeah thats me!~

Oh well. its what i become twice every year =) Din sleep till 3.30 yesterday!~ And I feel like a piece of lard now? aM so having cramps the entire day! =(

The tax paper was the most taxing and I Nearly died doing it. Gosh if i dun get at least a B for that...

then yea i guess i'll get a C

Tmr signals the end of all e pain and agony but its open book and i dun wanna study!!! Am THIS sick of studying!!!!! SICK!!!!!!!!!! =( Pardon my trend of thoughts but why do we have to study to this extreme? Just so that our quality of life gets seriously distorted?!~?! Oh man studying takes a toll on my sleeping, my appetite, my social life, my mental well-being, my entire existence!!!!! We have to go back to when learning was learning. There's such a big gap between learning and studying now, they need to revamp the system! =(

To what? ARghhhhh.... ever since man had schools....did the quality of our lives really improve? Being educated doesnt mean one becomes a better person does it? It did make our lives better to a large extent but it has reached its threshold and it's backlashing!!!! In fact the more educated i get the more empty i feel!~I'm just like an information eating machine! And they are not even digested properly! Coz i refuse to digest what i dun need! Ans then in the exams i puke it out! I regurgitate! And then i get an A for it! And then everyone will think i am smart! And so will those ignorant.pain.in.the.ass aunties who praises me on how intelligent i am!! When i am so not.

After so much studying i've learnt nothing! Nothing that i particularly think helps to improve my life!~ Well...so u'd say that if i dun study i wouldnt have a job...but c having a job isnt even in my agenda of quality living!!!! Ok i love school really...the friends and activities...i even wanna teach...am not against the idea of educational institutes but i say we rip exams off the package man. Experience orientated, learning-orientated, blah-orientated... whatever just not exam-orientated!!!....dun say i dun give credit where credits due....exams do shape character...I mean... u c the disciplined kids and the bo-chap kids...but then again the bo-chap kids mite turn out to be better beings than those nerdy-i-need-to-get-that-A kids. Wonder if anyone out there loves the system. If i ever become a teacher how do i become an advocate for the system!~?! Horror.

Hmm....wei i dunno what u will say to this but i'm gonna make u read this.
I know immediately after i write and post it i'm gonna think its lame but wth this is my trend of thoughts for now.

And if u are not sympathetic with me yet i think u can just @#@%^@#%!